My poems, entry for Golden Point 2003
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I submitted a set of 8 poems for the Golden Point Award 2003 competition. More like, i dusted off some old poems that i have written over the years from my collection, and just mailed them out.
The entry was titled "Landscapes" and it was supposed to depict some scenes from dawn till dusk. Tell me what you think of them, ok?
Here goes.
Poem #1
Dawn Comes (noisily)
Six o'clock
the night sky daintily lifting its veil
& blotches of iron-grey smeared
like peeling paint on an ancient wall
& cauliflowers of dark clouds
splashed around
like flak.
No rooster crow
this is the city
but dawn comes noisily
sporadic janglings
roused struggling brains
& carried over the morning air
throats clearing
bawling
& somewhere a metal plate falling
On the streets below
smoke-belching buses
toiled through overworked gears
never sleeps
and people scurrying through
hard streets
feet wearing asphalt
sleepwalking
to factories to schools to ports
Seven o'clock
The street lamps
sodium sentinels of the night
extinguishing
the duty guards
dismissing.
*** 01-08-1988 ***
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Poem #2
Coffeeshop , 6.45 a.m.
From here, in the morning's half light, I can see the school kids
saunter across the street
while taking my daily fix
of beehoon, tea & cigarettes.
Of course this harshly lit sorry-state place is no Starbucks
not with its battered fiberglass tables
the cat on the floor.
eyeing discarded butts.
Sometimes the old cleaner ambles around rubbing the tables with an oily rag.
The TV's on, blaring
No one's really watching
Who cares the Yanks' in Baghdad?
The guys, they are talking about the BIG one that got away last night
The 4-D winner the losers almost bought
Wrong numbers, tough luck
Five tables away you can hear their collective sigh
A moron meanders amongst the tables coughing, wheezing loudly
We were spooked silly
Strung tighter than a bow
The idiot might find a fist in his belly
My friend the cabby, took a gulp of black coffee and stares with murderous eyes
He's scared of the SARS bug
He's taking home peanuts
Lately there's nothing nice.
Reminded my friend, between bouts of paranoia and hokkien expletives
I have to catch the 7.30
buses don't wait
there's another mad day in the office.
*** 10-04-2003 ***
(observing the people at the kopitiam near my place ,during the SARS period, inspired me to write this)
be back, gotta take a smoking break.
-
i am back.
poem #3
Mt. Vernon , at Qing Ming
It seems like only yesterday
that we lost them
the memories are so fresh
We lit the candles and the incense
rearranged the fruits and food
and with clasped hands
bowed to loved ones long gone
remembering sweet secrets we shared
& licked by hungry flames
paper offerings
their ashes fluttered
like unfulfilled dreams
& shifting in the wind
with the smoke and the chatter
a hint of fragipanni
It seems like only yesterday
that we lost them
the portraits are so new.
*** 09-04-2001 ***
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poem #4
Unnamed Track, Sarimbun , at Noon
Somehow
i drew sentry duty
what shitty luck
the old tattered red flag
hung limp
in the hot noon
who will notice this warning
in this free-fire zone?
i yawned
while the blazing sun
burns mud, churned up by creaking V2s
baked soil to fossilized
furrows
i lay belligerently in the tall grass
swatting mosquitos
chain smoking
dreaming
of my village girls
their smiles, their thighs, their etc
as 20mm Oerliekon shells
shattered wooden targets
Somewhere
*** 01-12-89 ***
(you'll be bored like me doing sentry duty at a live range)
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be back, gotta get a drink. -
Waiting to read the other four poems.
-
i'm back.
poem #5
Jalan Bukit Merah
Panties on bamboo poles
like battle flags
Lifts eternally reeking
of urine and sweat
The dusty stairs are stained
with vomit of heroin.
The graffiti on the walls
speaks for all.
Packs of young punks with nothing to do, except
smoking, bragging and cursing their blues.
"Shall we lay a girl or two, bum?"
"No joe, go home get your parang."
Some poor bastard gonna lose an arm or two.
*** 1st Oct 1978 ***
( i lived there once..)
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poem #6
Kwong Wai Shiu Hospital , 6.15 p.m.
I hate it
Who likes the stench of dried spit ?
the stuffy air of ageing wards
the stares of the old pitifuls
eyes blank as lost memories.
But can't leave Mother
She lies helpless on that bed
The stroke was that horrendous
Have to change her sheets
Bits of rice still sticks to it
The attendants are so careless.
She smiles when I came
There can be joy at such places.
Strength in adversity
Light in darkness.
I hold her frail hands
smiling my plastic smile
the grief in my heart
all bottled up
seeing her wasting, bones & all
like that peeling paint on the wall
Who likes the stench of dried pee?
not you, not me.
*** June 1998 ***
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be back, looking for some snacks -
no snacks, i'm back.
poem #7
Tampines Bus Interchange , 7 p.m.
Off the #10 bus
the driver thought
he was transporting perishables
instead of passengers
the aircon was THAT cold
Of course my lenses fogged up
like an atlantic mist
as I walked into a wall
of incessant chatter
pneumatic drills yammering away
on roadworks that lasts forever
crowded bus terminus
people hurrying to
who knows where
or bored in queues
trying to read papers
clip nails
as smoky behemoths
rumbled obscenely close
the PA screeched in hokkien
exhorting tardy drivers
to get the hell to their buses
& glib touts
tried to sell me xxx VCDs
no go pal, bad mood
rough times
still stacks of bills
THIS high to pay
Somehow
at the post office
again bored in queues
trying to decipher TV ads
ogle at girls
scratch stubble
as the growl in my belly
goading me to the KFC.
*** 17-11-98 ***
--------------------------
( i lived around there)
poem #8
NightSky&Stars
What myriad secrets you hold up there
we can only boldly guess.
Your mysteries, time-locked
& unwilling yet to share.
What light i saw
could have been born a billion years before.
You are ancient legends, retold over glowing fires,
domains of the gods, we are told.
In time, as we grew wiser,
we dared, we probed your dark canvas.
Your depth, i could not fathom
the immense distance you span
If I could live a million reincarnations
i guess I could not traverse you from end to end.
Tonight, on such a cold night,
in a miniscule niche on a blue planet,
as I lift my eyes to the vastness above,
the stars, they spoke to me in lights of life.
On this planet, spinning, are we.
Solar planetary system, # three.
ashes to earth to life to earth to ashes
trilobites in shale, archaeopteryx in amber
Beatles on wax, memories in silicon brains
man chasing gold chasing dreams chasing fame
now what light I saw
could have been me a billion years before.
*** DEC 1987 ***
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( this is one of my favourites)
That's it folks, my entry for the Golden Point Award 2003 competition.
hope U like it. -
All there. Fire away.Originally posted by DeadPoet:Waiting to read the other four poems. -
Gladly.Originally posted by dsnake1:All there. Fire away. 
But seriously I will take a good look at them when I have the time. Will be quite busy for the next few days.
Meanwhile anybody want to have a go at it? -
i m in no position to fire away lah ...
the poems are very localised, even to the pt demeaning to certain estate.... truth it may be, and probably is.... but might ignite social uproar! hehehee....
i like poem#1 and the one abt qingming.... both draws a vivid picture, bringing me to where u were....
so we'll see u at the next DPS competition?!
-
Hi tareOriginally posted by tare:i m in no position to fire away lah ...
the poems are very localised, even to the pt demeaning to certain estate.... truth it may be, and probably is.... but might ignite social uproar! hehehee....
i like poem#1 and the one abt qingming.... both draws a vivid picture, bringing me to where u were....
so we'll see u at the next DPS competition?!
thanks for your comments!
U nailed it ! yes, the poems are localised ( maybe except # 8 ), and pretty demeaning to some places ( maybe that's why it didn't win anything at the competition?). but i'm telling what i saw. i lived in a rental flat in bukit merah once, & come weekends, the coffeeshop downstairs was like a casino with bookies, horse betting and dice games, despite countless raids. some nights there were drunken brawls. maybe i chose the wrong block to stay. i went back to visit the place once, and it was cleaned up.
the next DPS competition? can't wait to enter the fray! -
well next time u'll see them at sentosa and marinaOriginally posted by dsnake1:Hi tare
thanks for your comments!
U nailed it ! yes, the poems are localised ( maybe except # 8 ), and pretty demeaning to some places ( maybe that's why it didn't win anything at the competition?). but i'm telling what i saw. i lived in a rental flat in bukit merah once, & come weekends, the coffeeshop downstairs was like a casino with bookies, horse betting and dice games, despite countless raids. some nights there were drunken brawls. maybe i chose the wrong block to stay. i went back to visit the place once, and it was cleaned up.
the next DPS competition? can't wait to enter the fray!
next DPS would be sometime later tis yr, after the Writing workshop... for details pls stay tune!!! cos i also dunnoe! -
heheheheOriginally posted by tare:well next time u'll see them at sentosa and marina
next DPS would be sometime later tis yr, after the Writing workshop... for details pls stay tune!!! cos i also dunnoe! -
Hey dsnake1, are you coming for the writing workshop?Originally posted by dsnake1:hehehehe -
can't confirm now, but most probably i will. dunno yet whether i am on duty that day. any updates on the number of participants?Originally posted by DeadPoet:Hey dsnake1, are you coming for the writing workshop? -
Let me see, including three non-sgforums members (guest), at present I have 11 participants.Originally posted by dsnake1:can't confirm now, but most probably i will. dunno yet whether i am on duty that day. any updates on the number of participants?
HmmÂ… I need another 14 more to confirm the workshop.
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My dear friend,
To be honest, I think you need to pay more attention to punctuation, linebreaks and sentence structure. At the same time, try avoiding using inverse such as poem #8 NightSky&Stars, line 19
“On this planet, spinning, are we.”
You donÂ’t speak like that in your daily conversation right?
Personally I like Poem #3 – Mt. Vernon, at Qing Ming and Poem #5 – Jalan Bukit Merah. Lets’ start with
Mt. Vernon , at Qing Ming
It seems like only yesterday
that we lost them
the memories are so fresh
Good start. Caught my attention.
We lit the candles and the incense
rearranged the fruits and food
and with clasped hands
bowed to loved ones long gone
remembering sweet secrets we shared
Good usage of images. Nice work.
& licked by hungry flames
paper offerings
their ashes fluttered
like unfulfilled dreams
& shifting in the wind
with the smoke and the chatter
a hint of fragipanni
Rewrite this. Get rid of the “&” and write in proper sentence. You have great potential here but in my opinion due to lack of punctuation they are in a mess. By the way, check your spelling too.
It seems like only yesterday
that we lost them
the portraits are so new.
Great ending. Rewrite the middle portion and youÂ’ll have a great poem at hand.
Next, poem #5 Jalan Bukit Merah
Jalan Bukit Merah
Panties on bamboo poles
like battle flags
Lifts eternally reeking
of urine and sweat
Another great start. I love reading poems that are original in making use of images (ask LazerLordz) and have the ability to invoke my senses. Try playing around with the linebreaks and see if you can come up with something different.
The dusty stairs are stained
with vomit of heroin.
The graffiti on the walls
speaks for all.
Another great strophe and there goes my dinner. Good work.
Packs of young punks with nothing to do, except
smoking, bragging and cursing their blues.
"Shall we lay a girl or two, bum?"
"No joe, go home get your parang."
I am not comfortable with this. After reading the previous two strophes I expect more from this poem, so I was quite disappointed with this part.
Some poor bastard gonna lose an arm or two.
Again, love the ending. I think you are quite strong in using images, but you can do better in term of punctuation and sentence structure.
Keep up the good work. -
DP, thanks for your useful comments! U really did a great job of dissecting the 2 poems. The style of the original poems was different from the "left justify" of the forum posts, not all lines start from the left margin. My sentences all seemed "chopped up" when written in poetry form, I don't write like that when writing essays. Maybe I read too many of e.e. cummings's works.Originally posted by DeadPoet:My dear friend,
To be honest, I think you need to pay more attention to punctuation, linebreaks and sentence structure. At the same time, try avoiding using inverse such as poem #8 NightSky&Stars, line 19
a hint of fragipanni
Rewrite this. Get rid of the “&” and write in proper sentence. You have great potential here but in my opinion due to lack of punctuation they are in a mess. By the way, check your spelling too.
Yeah, I missed the 'n' in frangipanni.
-
Oic. Between are you his fan? (e.e. cummings)?Originally posted by dsnake1:DP, thanks for your useful comments! U really did a great job of dissecting the 2 poems. The style of the original poems was different from the "left justify" of the forum posts, not all lines start from the left margin. My sentences all seemed "chopped up" when written in poetry form, I don't write like that when writing essays. Maybe I read too many of e.e. cummings's works.
Yeah, I missed the 'n' in frangipanni. -
e.e.cummings experimented with form, syntax and punctuation, and his poems, you either hate it or like it. I tend to like it, finding it rather bold and refreshing.Originally posted by DeadPoet:Oic. Between are you his fan? (e.e. cummings)? -
You have a point there.Originally posted by dsnake1:e.e.cummings experimented with form, syntax and punctuation, and his poems, you either hate it or like it. I tend to like it, finding it rather bold and refreshing.
However, I am just not used to his writing style. I tried to appreciate his poems but without success.