History of my muse and I
1.
I remember the cold air
on your face
as you looked out
and watched the raindrops
fall like gems on a velvet cloth.
I sat with you
but you cried. Sorry my friend but I don’t really get “the cold air on your face” image. I think “looked out and” is unnecessary, i.e.
“on your face
as you watched the raindrops”I like “gems on a velvet cloth.” Although it is a bit cliché but I am comfortable with it. I don’t understand the last two lines. Why did she cry, because you sat with her?
My fingers in your moist palm
entwined like fireflies.
You held on tight
but I felt no pain
and I was content
just being here. I really like this strophe, but fingers with fireflies? Hmm...
The sky was grey
when we walked down
and bought us some ice-cream
but you smiled a little
and I was glad. I keep having this funny image of the sky buying ice-cream for the two of you whenever I read this. Maybe instead of “us” change it to “ourselves?”
We cradled the tub of vanilla,
you licked and I looked
and the setting sun
gleamed in your eyes
whom I worshipped.
But I still saw a
solitary
tear. Sorry my friend, I donÂ’t get this either. It sounds really Â… unnatural?
Somehow I woke
with the phone in my hand
and your soft voice
in my ear.
I turned in a sea
of grey masques
and you had a plaid.
Cute. L5, should it be “into?”
Many afternoons
I would stare at the clock
2 meters above me
as you silently pored
over the politics of
Siam and her Kings.
Then we would go
and get more
ice-cream. Interesting strophe.
2.
Somehow, we never
got out of your clouds
till the day
you huddled against me
with the silent Boeings
as witnesses to you.
and I cradled you
in muted silence Consider dropping “to you” and “muted.”
We soared beyond
the muted sky
upon wings made of wax
and I fell like Icarus
why didn't you catch me
why did you let me slide?
My angel flew
and I slumped. Personally this is the weakest strophe in the poem.
I heard the bad news
surrounded by fish;
and one bus stand
out there in the South
still bears my scar
of immovable faith and love.
And I saw the clouds
looming. Should it be “fishes” and “bus-stand?” How is this strophe related with the previous one? Where is the connection? What was the bad news?
But I do like
“And I saw the clouds
looming.”The thunderstorm's party
wrecked me clean
like a scouring brush
leaving me with
one-thirds of a coconut's
hairy husk
and no juice. Interesting image, but I just don't see how it contributes to the poem.
I sallied forth to my crusade
but the walls of your heart
repulsed me a la Saladin
at Al Quds.
But inside
you were pure of soul. Consider dropping the last two lines.
I came out of my tunnel
one dandy day
and I saw you.
No more wings.
But I think I could
make us a pair
to fly above those
grey clouds above the
old school
where
we used to
dream.The main problem I have with this poem is that I donÂ’t see any connections between the different strophes. Personally after the fourth strophe, I find myself struggling to keep it together. Maybe it is just me, but I think you are trying to do too many things at the same time.
And maybe my turn is here 
