Glory

• LazerLordz

  4 Apr 05, 16:34

  Glory.
  
  Deep under the autumn sky
  I raised my head
  to take a look,
  seeing if you were there
  or whether the sounds
  in my head;
  were just echoes
  of a life past
  and memories fleeced.
  
  I saw tall walls
  green and hazy
  like a fortress which I could
  never enter;
  for the sins I've committed
  are grave.
  A dead wallaby lay ahead,
  eyes facing the sun,
  I wonder where his heart
  faced.
  
  The setting sun blazed and bristled
  as the light refused to die;
  so that I could see
  the lone farmhouse
  where your thoughts and mine
  mixed in the night sky;
  and a woollen quilt
  of dreams nourished us.
  
  I sat down on the road,
  where roadkill was my friend.
  Realised I missed you badly
  and as the trucks
  raced past me; like
  a dove fleeing Israel,
  your face shone
  and you smiled.
  I flew.
• DeadPoet

  4 Apr 05, 21:48

  I can see some improvements in your writing. Go for concrete images, avoid abstracts, and you will be on the right track.
  
  Nice work.
  
  P.S. Want to post this in The Inner Circle?