Originally posted by The man who was death:
When I look at myself
I'm before a mirror
I'm above a river
When I see a reflection
I'm never near perfection
While I pondered before thee
Answers I should've see
No matter what the sin
The fruit is never sweet
Yet when I do the deed
Never did I know I plant the seed
So I pray for the weather
But I hope not the thunder
To erode away the seedling
To do away with the tingling
Over time it's washed to the bank
That's when my heart sank
Once again faced with my reflection
As I started the recollection
Would it be possible without the mirror
And there was no such river?
You have too many ‘I’ here in the first two strophes. Try to rephrase the lines. The word ‘thee’ in the second strophe stands out like a sore thumb. I know you are trying to rhyme it with ‘see, but it just doesn’t fit into the poem.
Actually it is not necessary for poems to rhyme especially in contemporary poems. If you want to write poems that rhyme, generally you need to take meter into consideration which is not an easy task. Try writing a poem without rhyming. After you are more experience then you can start looking at rhyming and meter.
Punctuations, though not necessary, are strongly encouraged. Poems are meant to be read aloud. Correct usage of line breaks and punctuations will determine the pace and the tone of the poems.
If you post this poem in a general posting forum (Even in US/UK poetry forums) it will be well received, however, it will not stand a chance in a critical workshop forum. It all depends on what you want. To be frank, I have seen poems worse than this.
Vaguely, I think I know what the poem is about. But I need concrete images to leave an impression on me. Overall it is a good attempt.
Hey, if you are serious in improving your poems, feel free to pm me. I am also learning how to write better. LetÂ’s learn from each other, there goes for all the other poets too.
