Grief and Rage
-
And when you're old and infirm
and the white cars speed by
in a hail of muddy waters
that coat you and stick
to you
like the sins of children before
and scholars who work
on empty skulls
because someone has taken out
their programming.
I weep for you
weeping for the men on
the stone benches
snoring away their lives
a quilt of life fading
into the sunset.
And no one seems to care
whether you live or die.
Inside the darkness..
there is no such thing as
poverty.
So stare hard and long
gather you wits of yore
announce your plight
to all and sundry.
The newsprint your sword
and torn mats your shield
against
imperial aggravation
that seeks to wash
you and I
out of the picture
for good. -
Anybody want to try giving some comments on this poem?
Here are some general tips.
Five Critique Tips for Beginners By John Boddie
There are a few things to keep in mind:
You are trying to provide feedback to the author that will be useful in helping the author understand what works and what doesn't work in the poem. Try to find something specific that you like in the poem - a specific image, possibly an imaginative word choice. Tell the author what it was. This is far more helpful than saying "I really like this." If you find something you don't understand, ask the author what was meant. It's helpful to an author to know where his or her audience is confused. If you find something specific that you don't like, identify it and tell the author why you didn't like it. If you read a poem and find that it is filled with spelling and punctuation errors, don't spend time on it. The author, by not preparing the poem to be read,is showing that he or she does not value your time. Why should you think the author would value your opinion in this situation? -
Okay, let me give it a try.
And when you're old and infirm
Okay the ‘you’ here is currently still young and strong.
and the white cars speed by
in a hail of muddy waters
Something is not right here but I canÂ’t pinpoint it. By the way why white cars?
that coat you and stick
to you
What about taking out the first ‘you’ and change it to one line instead of two. i.e. ‘that coat and stick to you’? Just a suggestion.
like the sins of children before
Not sure about this line. What do you mean by ‘like the sins of children before’?
and scholars who work
on empty skulls
because someone has taken out
their programming.
Oh boy I was having so much fun with these few lines especially L7 & L8. I kept seeing a row of scholars sitting ‘on empty skulls’. I am aware that you are trying to create a similar expression as ‘John works on an empty stomach’, but that comical image kept flashing across my mind.
I weep for you
weeping for the men on
the stone benches
snoring away their lives
a quilt of life fading
into the sunset.
Just my view, but I think ‘On the stone beaches’ sound better to me, i.e. line breaks at ‘men’. I like the image of men (young or old?) having their afternoon nap on stone benches, but not too sure about ‘a quilt of life fading into the sunset’.
And no one seems to care
whether you live or die.
Inside the darkness..
there is no such thing as
poverty.
Can you find a replacement for ‘darkness’?
So stare hard and long
gather you wits of yore
announce your plight
to all and sundry.
Not sure about these few lines. What exactly are you trying to convey here?
The newsprint your sword
and torn mats your shield
Another excellent image here, not too sure about ‘The newsprint your sword’ (are you referring to the phrase ‘the pen is mightier than the sword?) but I love ‘and torn mats your shield’. The image of someone using a torn mat as a shield may seems comical at first, but in reality, it is portraying a desperate situation. In my opinion, excellent touch here.
against
imperial aggravation
that seeks to wash
you and I
out of the picture
for good.
I am not too sure about the verb ‘wash’ here. How do you wash someone out of the picture? Hmm… any suggestion, how about erase?
Really enjoy reading this poem. Thanks for sharing. -
Originally posted by DeadPoet:
Okay, let me give it a try.
[b]And when you're old and infirm
Okay the ‘you’ here is currently still young and strong.
and the white cars speed by
in a hail of muddy waters
Something is not right here but I canÂ’t pinpoint it. By the way why white cars?
that coat you and stick
to you
What about taking out the first ‘you’ and change it to one line instead of two. i.e. ‘that coat and stick to you’? Just a suggestion.
like the sins of children before
Not sure about this line. What do you mean by ‘like the sins of children before’?
and scholars who work
on empty skulls
because someone has taken out
their programming.
Oh boy I was having so much fun with these few lines especially L7 & L8. I kept seeing a row of scholars sitting ‘on empty skulls’. I am aware that you are trying to create a similar expression as ‘John works on an empty stomach’, but that comical image kept flashing across my mind.
I weep for you
weeping for the men on
the stone benches
snoring away their lives
a quilt of life fading
into the sunset.
Just my view, but I think ‘On the stone beaches’ sound better to me, i.e. line breaks at ‘men’. I like the image of men (young or old?) having their afternoon nap on stone benches, but not too sure about ‘a quilt of life fading into the sunset’.
And no one seems to care
whether you live or die.
Inside the darkness..
there is no such thing as
poverty.
Can you find a replacement for ‘darkness’?
So stare hard and long
gather you wits of yore
announce your plight
to all and sundry.
Not sure about these few lines. What exactly are you trying to convey here?
The newsprint your sword
and torn mats your shield
Another excellent image here, not too sure about ‘The newsprint your sword’ (are you referring to the phrase ‘the pen is mightier than the sword?) but I love ‘and torn mats your shield’. The image of someone using a torn mat as a shield may seems comical at first, but in reality, it is portraying a desperate situation. In my opinion, excellent touch here.
against
imperial aggravation
that seeks to wash
you and I
out of the picture
for good.
I am not too sure about the verb ‘wash’ here. How do you wash someone out of the picture? Hmm… any suggestion, how about erase?
Really enjoy reading this poem. Thanks for sharing.
[/b] Okay, well I wrote this poem after spending a day doing street photography in Chinatown.I spent time exploring the back alleys and seeing the life of Chinatown, Kreta Ayer, and ended my day by seeing fast cars and rich people wine and dine along Orchard Road.The inspiration is derived from my whole day's experience.