Desire

• LazerLordz

  28 Feb 05, 20:10

  Saw your picture just the other day
  and
  it spoke to me in a voice
  like the familiar warmth of granny's
  apple pie and ice cold
  lemonade.
  
  Four years have passed
  and still I stand
  deep in the shadows
  only reaching the light
  which you hold in your hands;
  so slightly, that even a flower
  would not survive this winter
  inside.
  
  So many have said
  or preached of love unbending
  like a reed in the wind.
  Say not but act.
  For the reed is tiny
  and his chances reflect his size
  but when the day comes
  they stand together in a bond
  fierce as people might
  cannot put asunder.
  The reed in the storm
  and the calm before my heart
  
  Four years in passing,
  even forty
  is not enough
  to embrace
  the light within
  your hands.
  
  Love.
  
• DeadPoet

  3 Mar 05, 01:52

  I have not commented on any poems for quite sometime. Hope what I am going to say make sense.
  
  Desire
  
  Saw your picture just the other day
  
  Not too sure about this, I thought it should be ‘Seen your picture just the other day’ or ‘Saw your picture the other day’?
  
  and
  
  Any special reasons for having a separate line for this word?
  
  it spoke to me in a voice
  
  HmmÂ… let me use a bit of imagination. Okay lah picture (it) doesnÂ’t really have a mouth but I know what you are trying to convey.
  
  like the familiar warmth of granny's
  apple pie and ice cold
  lemonade.
  
  Frankly I am not too sure about these three lines. Forgive me for saying this but ‘ice cold lemonade’ does not work me. I can appreciate the ‘familiar warmth of granny’s apple pie’, but I just don’t feel any sense of warmness with the phrase ‘ice cold lemonade’.
  
  Secondly since you are using a simile, i.e. in this case comparing/describing the voice of the picture with the warmth of grannyÂ’s apple pie, I think it is better to stick with just one comparison. Maybe this is just me. Hee hee.
  
  Four years have passed
  and still I stand
  deep in the shadows
  only reaching the light
  which you hold in your hands;
  so slightly, that even a flower
  would not survive this winter
  inside.
  
  Again I am not sure why you’ve decided to begin a new line just for a word i.e. 'inside'. Is it because you want to rhyme ‘flower’ with ‘winter’? There are many abstracts here expect for words ‘flower’, ‘hands’, etc, but I am not going to comment on that because I am a sucker for abstracts too. However I am learning how to write poems without using too many such words.
  
  So many have said
  or preached of love unbending
  like a reed in the wind.
  Say not but act.
  For the reed is tiny
  and his chances reflect his size
  but when the day comes
  they stand together in a bond
  fierce as people might
  cannot put asunder.
  The reed in the storm
  and the calm before my heart
  
  I really like the comparison between love and reed. To me this is something new (Or simply because I have not read enough poems, hee hee). But who are the ‘they’ in the poem? It is a bit confusing for me because all the while I was reading ‘his chance’, ‘his size’, then without warning ‘they’ emerges out of nowhere.
  
  Four years in passing,
  even forty
  is not enough
  to embrace
  the light within
  your hands.
  
  Love.
  
  Just wondering the line break in this last strophe, was it done on purpose?
  
  Hope I don't sound too negative.
  
  
• LazerLordz

  4 Mar 05, 10:37

  Well, I wrote this almost like a experience-based prose.There are some kinks that need to be ironed out.
• DeadPoet

  4 Mar 05, 12:43

  Originally posted by LazerLordz:

  Well, I wrote this almost like a experience-based prose.There are some kinks that need to be ironed out.

  You have a good write here. Beside your poems are always a delight to read.