Newbie.. hi
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Clubbing
feeling estacsy high,
letting my soul fly high.
moving lights,
flashing bright,
shaking to the sound of the night.
legs swing wild,
hands high up,
enjoying the sensation,
cloud nine.
gulping down,
concoctions of desire,
in tune with spirits of the night.
Fantasy?
or reality?
sober mind we are not in.
savouring the excitment,
grew,
and grew it did.
never cease,
never fade.
and when it did,
so did the rhytmn.
rhytmn of the night.
[color=indigo][/color] -
In the game of love
selfish is what i am known to you,
but it never cross my mind before.
you placed your importance above all,including the me,
you claimed you loved the most.
The words i said is not what i meant,
yet took it to heart you did.
temptation is luring me,
in times i felt defeated,
in my heart u soared,
making it difficult to forsake you for it.
i longed u so,
but is that true?
or loneliness make me do.
am i the one?
or are you the one?
pondering in my mind it did.
struggling against how i really felt.
in time i hope,
winter will turn spring.
melting my doubts as ice turns river.
for that time to come,
i really yearned -
Welcome to DPS(S) salty_businezz.
Please take some time to read the Introduction.
Regarding your two poems, although the idea is there but I believe there is room for improvements. For example remove words that are unnecessary, improve on the rhythm and check out the tenses. Although not necessary, try dividing your poems into stanzas unless you have very good reasons not to do so. It will be easier for the readers to read.
Happy writing! -
WELCOME!
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x2Originally posted by Devil1976:WELCOME! -
will do .. thanks for the pointers n the warm welcome..
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Reflections
Is that you?
..Or me? -
huan ying huan ying.... kekekekeOriginally posted by salty_businezz:will do .. thanks for the pointers n the warm welcome.. -
xie xie!- KittynMeow.. ..
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wah, so good in poem sia
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Actually
Devil's a plan(.)
Hell's a place(.)
Heaven is fair(?)
Angels are saints(Mostly)
Holy's pure(.)
Evil beware(!)
What are we(?)
Pawns of them(.)
Actually Yes(?)
Actually No(.) -
Kitty, check out the links in 'Introduction' especially the one for forums.Originally posted by KittynMeow:huan ying huan ying.... kekekeke
Some of them are really cool. -
Originally posted by DeadPoet:Kitty, check out the links in 'Introduction' especially the one for forums.
Some of them are really cool. 
goes to show this mod has been MIA for so long that needs another mod to tell her what's new ard here... kekeke
hehehe saw one or two... din have time to go through all of them. they have drafts submitted for comments... -
for ur 1st 2 poems, like DP said, the idea is there... i think he gave some good pointers... just need to polish up abit and maybe some restructuring in the sentence structure? it is a tad confusing....
but actually i like ur "actually" -
Thanks tare for giving me a morale boost. Took Deadpoet's advice (dead serious.. haha) and make some improvement to my writing.. I really had a lotsa rooms for improvement.. haha
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No... Still a long long way to go .. Anyway Thanks for ur compliment..-sgboy2004
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Promises
"Gods may die",
"Sea shall dry",
"My love for you,"
"Will never die."
Streamed my blood,
Warmed my heart.
All is heard.
None is done.
Words like this,
Doubt my heart.
Scribbled on sand,
it is not?
Carved from rocks,
i think not.
Gone with the waves.
Gone with the wind.
Perish to void...
I whispered: "Jerk" -
Hee hee. I am also working towards to be a better poet.Originally posted by salty_businezz: Thanks tare for giving me a morale boost. Took Deadpoet's advice (dead serious.. haha) and make some improvement to my writing.. I really had a lotsa rooms for improvement.. haha
Presently I am only a poet @heart.
Let's help each other to improve. -
Mary
Mary had a little lamb,
Shear the wool she needs to do.
Colour white not her like,
One whole lamb become two.
Wool is dyed.
Red is like.
Mary had a red dyed wool. -
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