Untitled Sorrow Will you open your eyes
and see me once again?
You and I
happy in the sun
but who'd known we would
part under the stormy sea.
Within the same stanza and without warning the scene changes from ‘happy under in the sun’ (line 4) to ‘part under the stormy sea’(line 6). Just like in reality, life is so unpredictable.The waters rise
around you, slick and weary
pulling you away
and cutting me up
like a bad case
of Prozac deficiency.
I like the break of the first line at the word ‘rise’. It forces you to pause and visualize the image of rising water. The effect will not be presence if it is written as
‘The waters rise around you’
The phrase ‘cutting me up’ can be interpreted as both physically and emotionally.Even as the sun still shines
people around me turn
to fish out of water.
Flopping.
Faint heartbeats
and a colourful bikini
lies washed up
on its own.
I like the last three lines in this stanza i.e.
‘and a colourful bikini
lies washed up
on its ownÂ’
The speaker chooses to show us instead of telling us about the tragedy. It is like a snapshot incorporated with all the emotions. Excellent touch here. 
The plank I cling on
leads me back to
the beach of wine and lobsters
the crisp white tablecloth
and the smiling kids
gambolling around the palms.
What I am not too sure is this stanza. All those mentioned here such as lobsters, crisp white tablecloth, smiling kids, etc they should be gone right? How come the speaker, clinging on the plank is still able to return to such setting?
Maybe what he/she meant by ‘leads me back to’ is actually referring to his/her memories of those happy moments and not physically return to them. The sky is blue
and all I can think of is you
and what you softly
mumbled as you sank,
down into Poseidon's depths
“I'll see you around”
Just a suggestion, is it necessary for the last line i.e. “I'll see you around”? I think ‘down into Poseidon’s depths’ will make an excellent ending to this poem.
Beside, whatever said between the lovers is best left known only to them thus heightening the sadness of the poem.
