when daylight comes

• SingaporeMacross

  9 Dec 04, 01:28

  when daylight comes, M. H. Heng, 13 October 2004, 5 pm
  
  When daylight comes,
  I long for you.
  You leave me at dawn,
  When I still want you around.
  
  At night in my dream,
  We are together.
  My arms around you,
  Your arms around me.
  
  Ah, what ecstasy!
  When we are together.
  A preview of life,
  When we are in holy union.
  
  I beg you to stay,
  but night grows old.
  You are Cinderella.
  One who leaves at dawn!
  
  The glass slipper she leaves,
  Is an awful mess.
  A mixture of spilt seed and spilt angst.
  
  When daylight comes,
  I long for you.
  Waiting for night,
  Waiting for another dream.
  
  Kindly presented for your critique. Oh, M. H. Heng are my initials.
• DeadPoet

  10 Dec 04, 03:03

  Hmm… stanzas 1 – 2 are well written but the tone is a bit slow. And at the 3rd and 4th stanza, it started to get interesting. The pace is faster and you can sense a built-up of emotions.
  
  Then came my favourite part i.e.
  
  The glass slipper she leaves,
  Is an awful mess.
  A mixture of spilt seed and spilt angst.
  
  Very creative and original. Personally I think this is the climax of the whole poem.
  
  Then finally back to the slow, serious tone in the last stanza.
  
  Okay, I hope you are not offended especially if you wanted this to be a romantic love poem.
  
  I really can't help having the impression that this poem is about having a wet dream or love making. The first two stanzas as the foreplay, the next two stanzas when things started to heat up leading to the climax at the fifth stanza and finally the last stanza, i.e. cooling down after the ecstasy.
  
  This is just my interpretation, it may be totally out of point.
  
  Fellow poets, what is your interpretation?
• LazerLordz

  10 Dec 04, 06:31

  There is indeed a reference to love and her bounty IMHO, especially the part about the split seed and split angst.
• HENG@

  10 Dec 04, 06:38

  whoa for a minute i was wondering why got Heng. hey SgMacross... fellow Heng here.
• DeadPoet

  10 Dec 04, 11:48

  Originally posted by LazerLordz:

  There is indeed a reference to love and her bounty IMHO, especially the part about the split seed and split angst.

  That's the part that caught my attention.
• SingaporeMacross

  11 Dec 04, 11:43

  Romantic poem no, wet dream yes!
  
  So I did manage to get the message across?
• DeadPoet

  11 Dec 04, 23:43

  Originally posted by SingaporeMacross:

  Romantic poem no, wet dream yes!
  
  So I did manage to get the message across?

  
  
  You bet! Loud and clear!