Beneath the willow tree - By Spiderman
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Beneath the willow tree
She stood under the willow tree,
With tears in her eyes.
So towards her I moved
And asked her why.
“I have lost my love” she said
“He told me no longer am I, his very own.
So again for the umpteen times here I stand alone.”
But dear girl I said,
Why do your eyes not see the person who stands infront of you.
Has the many tears you have shed clouded your view.
How could you not see the pain I feel seeing you weep so often under this willow tree.
She wipe her tears from her cheeks.
And strained a smile at me.
Like the Sun breaking through the storm, a sense of hope surged through my soul.
As she moved her mouth to speakÂ…
I prayed for my chance to happiness taking hold.
“You are so dear to me” I heard her said
“You have always been there for me” as she took my hands.
“Like the ocean and the sky…our horizons we share”
“But we as one can never exist”.
I held back my tears.
I wished it was not true.
I finally heard her say the words I have always feared.
So under the weeping willow
Like rain from the sky perpetually falling down to the oceanÂ…tears will endlessly flow.
Although you will not love me, I told herÂ….I will always be near.
THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. -
Originally posted by I_am_PeTe_Parker:
Well, this is more of a monologue than a poem per se.However, as you can see , the author has made the idea expounded quite clear.Sometimes, to heighten the mystery of a piece of writing, it's better to exclude obvious clues and leave the reader to see the idea through a few levels of intepretation.It's emotional and I can definitely identify with the theme of wistfulness and a thousand what-ifs.
[b]Beneath the willow tree
She stood under the willow tree,
With tears in her eyes.
So towards her I moved
And asked her why.
“I have lost my love” she said
“He told me no longer am I, his very own.
So again for the umpteen times here I stand alone.”
But dear girl I said,
Why do your eyes not see the person who stands infront of you.
Has the many tears you have shed clouded your view.
How could you not see the pain I feel seeing you weep so often under this willow tree.
She wipe her tears from her cheeks.
And strained a smile at me.
Like the Sun breaking through the storm, a sense of hope surged through my soul.
As she moved her mouth to speakÂ…
I prayed for my chance to happiness taking hold.
“You are so dear to me” I heard her said
“You have always been there for me” as she took my hands.
“Like the ocean and the sky…our horizons we share”
“But we as one can never exist”.
I held back my tears.
I wished it was not true.
I finally heard her say the words I have always feared.
So under the weeping willow
Like rain from the sky perpetually falling down to the oceanÂ…tears will endlessly flow.
Although you will not love me, I told herÂ….I will always be near.
THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.
[/b]
Tip: Try to keep your sentences short and succinct, and keep the physical structure of the piece balanced as it will be very pleasing to the eye.Punctuation could be improved too.Don't be disheartened my friend, it takes a step to begin a journey.I'm very sure you will write brilliant pieces for our enjoyment as you can express emotions quite well.
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Excellent piece,pretty touching.
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Hello Spiderman, glad to have you here in DPS (S).
HmmÂ… let me see. To be fair, this poem has a very touching theme which most of us can identify with
Seeing someone you love feeling sad over a failed relationship but yet she/he chooses to hold on to it rather than giving everyone a new start. 
Personally I like these few lines;
“Like the Sun breaking through the storm, a sense of hope surged through my soul”
“Like the ocean and the sky…our horizons we share”
“Like rain from the sky perpetually falling down to the ocean…tears will endlessly flow”
I think it is a good attempt on your part to use simile. Very creative. Well done.
But there are room for improvements.
Firstly, you may want to employ a standard rhyme scheme such as abab or abba, etc. Secondly some of the lines are too short while others are too long. Try to standardize them. It will helps to tighten up the poem. Thirdly, the number of syllables is very important as it usually breaks or makes a poem. Read the poem aloud and count the syllables in each line. Experience the flow of the poem. If it doesnÂ’t sound right, change it.
Lastly regarding the title of the poem, i.e. ‘Beneath the willow tree’. I think it will be more appropriate if we change it to ‘Under the willow tree’ instead.
The current title somehow give me the impression of a dead body buried under the willow tree. Maybe the lady in the poem is having a conversation with a ghost without her realizing it, vice versa. Hmm... that should be interesting. Just a suggestion.
Personally as a prose I think it is beautifully written. But as a poem, you need to further refine it. You are on the right track my friend. Keep it up. -
Thank you LazerLordz. I did started off with very short sentences…but somehow it become difficult to express what I have to say in short sentences. I have always being very “long-winded”.Originally posted by LazerLordz:Well, this is more of a monologue than a poem per se.However, as you can see , the author has made the idea expounded quite clear.Sometimes, to heighten the mystery of a piece of writing, it's better to exclude obvious clues and leave the reader to see the idea through a few levels of intepretation.It's emotional and I can definitely identify with the theme of wistfulness and a thousand what-ifs.
Tip: Try to keep your sentences short and succinct, and keep the physical structure of the piece balanced as it will be very pleasing to the eye.Punctuation could be improved too.Don't be disheartened my friend, it takes a step to begin a journey.I'm very sure you will write brilliant pieces for our enjoyment as you can express emotions quite well.
I have also never being able to punctuate correctly. I often write too long a sentence and end up being forced to put it on two lines, forgetting all about punctuation. I think I have just demonstrated my ‘long-windedness’ is the last sentence.
The thing I like about writing poems is being able to put to words one’s feelings and thoughts. And it is gratifying being able to preserve that emotions on paper to be ‘felt’ over and over again and sharing it with people too. -
Thank you fallin.Originally posted by fallin:Excellent piece,pretty touching. -
Like I've said, you are on the right track.Originally posted by I_am_PeTe_Parker:Thank you LazerLordz. I did started off with very short sentences…but somehow it become difficult to express what I have to say in short sentences. I have always being very “long-winded”.
I have also never being able to punctuate correctly. I often write too long a sentence and end up being forced to put it on two lines, forgetting all about punctuation. I think I have just demonstrated my ‘long-windedness’ is the last sentence.
The thing I like about writing poems is being able to put to words one’s feelings and thoughts. And it is gratifying being able to preserve that emotions on paper to be ‘felt’ over and over again and sharing it with people too.
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Hi DPÂ…we meet againOriginally posted by DeadPoet:Hello Spiderman, glad to have you here in DPS (S). .
That ‘Hey girl, there is somebody here waiting for you with arms wide open and you choose to go to after someone instead’ syndrome.Originally posted by DeadPoet:Hmm… let me see. To be fair, this poem has a very touching theme which most of us can identify with Seeing someone you love feeling sad over a failed relationship but yet she/he chooses to hold on to it rather than giving everyone a new start. Originally posted by DeadPoet:
Personally I like these few lines;
“Like the Sun breaking through the storm, a sense of hope surged through my soul”
“Like the ocean and the sky…our horizons we share”
“Like rain from the sky perpetually falling down to the ocean…tears will endlessly flow”
I think it is a good attempt on your part to use simile. Very creative. Well done.
But there are room for improvements.
Firstly, you may want to employ a standard rhyme scheme such as abab or abba, etc. Secondly some of the lines are too short while others are too long. Try to standardize them. It will helps to tighten up the poem. Thirdly, the number of syllables is very important as it usually breaks or makes a poem. Read the poem aloud and count the syllables in each line. Experience the flow of the poem. If it doesnÂ’t sound right, change it.
Lastly regarding the title of the poem, i.e. [b]‘Beneath the willow tree’. I think it will be more appropriate if we change it to ‘Under the willow tree’ instead.
The current title somehow give me the impression of a dead body buried under the willow tree. Maybe the lady in the poem is having a conversation with a ghost without her realizing it, vice versa. Hmm... that should be interesting. Just a suggestion.
Personally as a prose I think it is beautifully written. But as a poem, you need to further refine it. You are on the right track my friend. Keep it up.
[/b]
Gosh…..never thought about title really. You are right…’Beneath’ should not be the word to use. I had used ‘under’ in the piece so it should rightly be ‘Under’ for the title. But the ‘conversation with a ghost’ scenerio is interesting…You do have a very imaginative mind, DP. I may try a poem about ghost someday .
Thanks a million DP for all the comments and suggestions. -
Thanks again DP.Originally posted by DeadPoet:Like I've said, you are on the right track.