Bleed
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Like a spy clad in covert,
Love stabs me with a stiletto.
From back to front,
My tunic drinks the blood I leak.
If I think of you,
The blade draws in.
If I long for your caress,
Anaesthesia but to no avail.
May I love you,
But never lust.
If I sin, may this blade shatter and rust.
And let me meet my maker.
Comments please. I'm new to this thing. -
very good imagery..Originally posted by SingaporeMacross:Like a spy clad in covert,
Love stabs me with a stiletto.
From back to front,
My tunic drinks the blood I leak.
If I think of you,
The blade draws in.
If I long for your caress,
Anaesthesia but to no avail.
May I love you,
But never lust.
If I sin, may this blade shatter and rust.
And let me meet my maker.
Comments please. I'm new to this thing.
-
So much said in a short but powerful write, I really like it.Originally posted by foxwalk:very good imagery..
Although not really appropriate but this poem remind me of the assassination of Gaius Julius Caesar. I can even smell the blood.
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Can it still can be improved? Any suggestions?Originally posted by DeadPoet:So much said in a short but powerful write, I really like it.
Although not really appropriate but this poem remind me of the assassination of Gaius Julius Caesar. I can even smell the blood. -
Dear SingaporeMacross, you are really too humble.Originally posted by SingaporeMacross:Can it still can be improved? Any suggestions?
You have skilfully made used of poetry concepts such as similes, i.e. where Love is ‘Like a spy …,’ personification, i.e. ‘My tunic drinks …,’ etc. Your sentences are clear, straight to the point like a dagger drawing blood.
I notice your writing style is quite similar to LazerLordz and eskyhastofall. Both of their poems challenge my imagination.
Though really unnecessary, but if I must ‘improve' on your poem, I have a few suggestions.
Firstly you might want to divide the poem into different stanzas maybe three i.e. four lines per stanza. This will appear more organized with the beginning and ending of each stanza implicating a change of emotion, direction, etc. This will assist your readers in better understanding the poem. How you wish to divide it is entirely up to you.
Secondly, I notice the last word of the 10th line rhymes with that of the 11th line i.e. lust with rust. Personally I see nothing wrong with that. But according to some poets from another forum, if most of your lines do not rhyme, then try keeping it this way especially if they are very close with each other.
Lastly, you might consider spicing up some of the lines for example,
‘My tunic greedily drinks the blood I leak’ or ‘The icy blade draws in’
These are just some suggestions; the idea is not to overdo it.
Come to think of it, I notice this poem seems to have a religious touch with words like ‘love’, ‘lust’, ‘sin’ and ‘maker’. With a bit of imagination it might even be rewritten into a religious poem. -
Thanks for the comments! I will keep them in mind!
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You are most welcome. Hope to read more of your poems.Originally posted by SingaporeMacross:Thanks for the comments! I will keep them in mind!
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as like above, u dun have to stick to the same format and use 'may' in the second part. but if you do, put 'may' at the front of the sentence as like the first sentence. in other words, u dun have to always use the same format, because it doesn't work sometimes, but if you do so, stick to it. god, i sound so contradictory! i hope u get what i mean.I notice your writing style is quite similar to LazerLordz and eskyhastofall. Both of their poems challenge my imagination[/quote]
really!? haha~ eh maybe as a first person i cant notice it. but i'll take it as a compliment. i thnk this poem is quite a good description of what love does to a person.
for comments:[quote]If I think of you,
The blade draws in.
If I long for your caress,
Anaesthesia but to no avail[quote]
I don't think the second "if" is necessary bcos it doesn't match the following phase. normally the word 'if' is followed with a 'consequence', as like the first two sentences. but for your third and fourth sentences, i don't see the need for the same format. but perhaps you have other ideas?
[quote]May I love you,
But never lust.
If I sin, may this blade shatter and rust.
And let me meet my maker
and it's not anything wrong, but instead of introducing the third 'if' again, perhaps you can put it like "May this blade shatter and rust, should I sin" then you can stick to your format and refrain from using 'if'. hurray!
but this are just suggestions~! dun let me/us cramp yr style man! just write more poems and stick them up!!!!