What is love? Is romance important? How do I cope with sex? These could be common questions if you are in a new relationship or en-route to one. There are, unfortunately, no right or wrong answers in the game of love even though it might help if you could be aware of your own needs and desires.
You probably learnt about love and relationships from what you saw on television, heard from friends or read in books. If you had experienced a relationship yourself, you might even have been puzzled as to why it seldom resembled the perfect pictures you have seen. Alternatively, if you are completely new to the experience, you may want to find out more before embarking on your first relationship.
What better way is there to start than by understanding the basics of romance, sex and love? Consultant, clinical and organisational psychologist Professor Moneim El-Meligi, who has written articles in "Match " and conducted workshops for Premier Club sheds some light on these topics.
LAYING THE FOUNDATION
First things first: there is no perfect definition for romance, sex or love. "If an adult asks me to define these words for him or her, my honest answer would be 'Consult the dictionary. 'Alternatively, I may tell him, 'you will find out when you fall in love '," says Prof. Moneim.
That may sound harsh but it is true. The words romance, sex and love refer to experiences that are purely subjective. They can be defined in the abstract but do not tell us exactly how a person feels or reacts to another person.
Psychologically speaking, romance, love and sex can be defined as modes of relating to another person or to oneself. "Romance," says Prof. Moneim, "is an experience which presupposes eminence of feelings, imaginativeness and aesthetic appreciation of the loved one. It is an attribute of a mode of loving that transcends objective reality and adds to, precludes or suspends sexuality as a physical act."
While all three elements of romance, sex and love can come together to create an ideal relationship, whether or not they actually do so will depend on the character make-up of the individuals involved, their values, aspirations and temperament. Time and space constraints will also have to be taken into consideration. That is why a period of courting is needed to acquire knowledge about one 's potential spouse.
ROMANCE, SEX AND LOVE
Romance as Prof. Moneim said earlier is an attribute of loving relationships that cannot be divorced from love. It starts when we go beyond talking formally and experience freedom in the expression or demonstration of affection, tenderness and the like.
A few components constitute a romantic mode of loving. First, the element of feeling is very strong. Second, there is an aesthetic appreciation of the other person. Romanticism also implies that the sensory messages between lovers become intensified. Lovers do not get tired of looking at each other or touching each other. This brings in a third element of loving which is intimacy. Lovers in a romantic mood want to be alone. They may dismiss reality altogether as the aesthetic experience could tap the imaginative resources of the lover and give rise to fantasies about the other person or both people together.
One 's circumstances and reality, however, cannot be ignored. Romance needs time and private space. How can you be romantic if you are constantly striving to achieve objectives and have no privacy? Hence, do not rush to the final act as you can afford beholding, caressing and fantasising about or with your partner. In some cultures though, there are constraints on the former.
Where does love come in then? Well, assures Prof. Moneim, love is already there. There is no romance without love, but love can exist without romance. As the more satisfied you are with love, the more romance is likely to colour the relationship.
Love comes before romance but there has to be some attraction to get things going. That, says Prof. Moneim, is the beginning of sexual attraction. Sexual attraction can come before love and romance. A person may seek out somebody only from that point of view and go straight from attraction to sexual gratification. Romance, in such an instance, presupposes delay of sexual gratification. Hence, when it comes to sex - or any other part of the relationship - it is most important to be honest with oneself. You should ask what you want from the other person and vice versa. Your concept of romance thus depends on who you are and what you want from that relationship. Prof. Moneim cites some examples. There are some extremely rational individuals who can be happy without romance. These could be the same practical people who are not ashamed of their sexual approach and practices. There are also others known in psychology terms as "tender-minded " individuals who seek aesthetic experiences or romance in their relationships. And when this happens, "It is wonderful!" says Prof. Moneim. Aesthetic appreciation can not only prelude sex, it can even transcend it. For some people, aesthetic appreciation alone can be gratifying in itself, he adds. There are some extreme cases where sex precluded from romance could result in severe deprivation for the less romantic. Hence, for a relationship to be happy, symmetry in romance must exist. There must also be room for spontaneous adjustment.
PUTTING IT TO WORK
There have been so many studies on love and relationships that everybody can be considered an expert on these topics. Yet, when it comes to ourselves, we still have problems with love, sex and romance. Why?
According to Prof. Moneim,it all boils down to the difference between "knowing " and "understanding "."You don't have to know too much about a person to understand him or her. Some people overestimate the importance of knowledge in a relationship. All that is necessary for a trusting and a healthy relationship between two people is the knowledge gained voluntarily and through interaction with the other person.
This again leads us to symmetry. The only way to understand your partner 's thinking is to be sensitive to him or her. Do not assume that you comprehend your partner 's thoughts or feelings. Really communicate, look at the person while you are talking and monitor his or her reaction to what you say or do.
But what really needs to be emphasised, reminds Prof. Moneim, is empathy. You don 't need too much information to empathise with a person whom you have just met. As a matter of fact, information overload may not only spoil the relationship, it can also scare the other party, cause embarrassment or lead to confusion and indecision.
Thus, do not expect an ideal relationship with a perfect synergy of romance, love and sex, advises Prof. Moneim. "I think as humans this could be something that may not exist," he says..
What we should really do is to get away from words and move into experiences. Words like romance, sex and love are what we get from the dictionary. "The word is not the thing," as the semanticists say. What really matters is what people experience when they talk about being in love.
is there a better way to find out??? or you wait ... and see it go by missing it ???
