joker's joke corner
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Joke 1
5 presidents are on a plane
Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Bill Clinton says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane. -
Joke 2
A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!" -
Joke 3
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? -
Joke 4
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.” -
see till mi eyes blur....the c & g...piangz...
Originally posted by joker105:
[b]Joke 3
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? [/b] -
Joke 5
Title: COMPLETELY USELESS ANSWER
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." -
Joke 6
Title: BLONDE DECTECTIVE TRAINING
A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman said, "Well, that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."
The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmm... The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear." -
Joke 7
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!" -
joke 8
Title: FORBIDDEN ROOM
Three men walk into a bar and sit down at the counter. The first thing that the bartender tells them is not to go into the back room, it is forbidden!
Naturally, as soon as the bartender leaves, one of then men goes into the room. He sees a really hot, big-breasted woman in there and hundreds of penises all over the walls. She walks up to him and grabs him by the nuts and asks him what his father did for a living. He tells her that he was a meat grinder so she pulls out a meat grinder and grinds up his dick he runs out screaming.
The second man goes in the room and the same thing happens, except he says, "My father was a butcher." So she chops it off and he runs out screaming.
Then the third man goes in and once again the same thing happens. But when she asks what his father did, he says, "He was a lollipop tester, so get down and start sucking!" -
Joke 9
Title: LENGTH OR HEIGHT
A group of mangers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went to the flagpole with a ladder and a measuring tape. They keep falling off the ladder, dropping the tape and the whole thing in mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they are trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and gives the measurement to one of the manager and walk away.
After the engineer left, one of the manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We are looking for the height and he gives us the length." -
Joke 10
Title: MY GOOD OLD BOAT
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted. -
Joke 11
Title: MARITAL SEX
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.
The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted. -
Joke 12
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Oh, did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened, Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So the following Monday, when Big John got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?!?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass..." -
Joke 13
A young Chinese guy moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".
Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc......you get the idea?"
"Of course," the young man said.
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One"
The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
The kid, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up, you might as well go fishing." -
Originally posted by joker105:
[b]Joke 1
5 presidents are on a plane
Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Bill Clinton says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane. [/b]
totally out of this world... 
-
Joke 14
People often ask for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the
following analogies will help clear it up:
1.* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
2.* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome
guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's
fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
3.* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
4.* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and
straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,
"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
5.* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you
and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
6.* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into
going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
7.* Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support.
8.* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could
be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.** So you climb
onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of
your lungs,"I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Spam. -
Joke 15
Lee Sum Wan : Hello can i speak to Annie Wan
Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its
urgent.
Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone!
But whats this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our
brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan
got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital.
Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to
the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may
find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : I'm Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : I'm Sori !!
Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i don't
care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!!
I'm SORI!! you didn't even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before i'm Sum Wan ! Sum Wan !!! You
better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a
very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh i m so scared(sarcastically). Look i don't care
about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and
holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery
Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws
everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Which Wan(don't have any idea on how to
alternatively spell the name)is my sis!
Mr Sori : I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name
u think i do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling
mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention,
someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an
accident.
But not to worry no one got injured and no one was
sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital
anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle,
u're a nobody. And its not true about her aunt screwing everybody
becos i havent screw her yet.
"how bout that!?
Toot....Toot....Toot.................