UoC Daily Jokes
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Emergency Call
A man phones up the vet in the middle of the night to tell him his pet dog has swallowed a condom. 'You've got to help,' he cries. 'I don't know what to do."
'It is rather late.' says the vet. 'But as it's an emergency. i'll be there as soon as i can.'
'What should i do in the meantime,' says the owner.
'Just keep the dog as still as you can,' says the vet.
After an hour, the vet is still driving when his mobile rings, "I phoned earlier," says the caller. "My dog swallowed a condom."
'Yes, i know,' says the vet. 'I'm going as fast as i can, but i'm stuck in a traffic.'
'You needn't bother,' says the dog owner. "it's okay now. We've found another one in the drawer.' -
Duh! -
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A Damn C0ck Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, there was a king who had a daughter of marriageable age. As he was very fond of his daughter and he didn't want her to leave him, he made an impossible offer to his kingdom's men. He announced that whoever has two pricks would be eligible to marry his daughter. The invitation spread far and wide. Of course there were no one who came forth, and the king was secretly pleased.
In another part of the kingdom, there were 2 woodcutter brothers, Jack & Jim. One day, they chanced upon a very big tree and decided to chop it down for it would fetch them a decent amount of money if sold as firewood.
As they were about to chop it down with their sharp axes, a voice cried out, "STOP! Please don't hurt me ! " The brothers were scared shitless when suddenly an apparition appeared from out of the tree. He told them that he was the genie of the tree and if they would to spare him, he would grant them a wish each.
Remembering the king's offer of his daughter as bride, the brothers each wished for a second prick. The genie said "Your wish is granted. Now... what you have wished for will fall down from the sky. You must catch it promptly with your hands and attach it to where you want it to be !"
Jack was the first one to receive his wish. As the prick was falling down from the sky, he swiftly caught it with his hands and attached it right next to where his own prick is.
Now, Jim was the clumsy one. As his second prick was hurling down , he missed and it landed right on his forehead !!!
Jack, being the cool one, told Jim that it was alright and they should proceed to the palace to seek the princess's hand in marriage. After all, the king did say 2 pricks. Jim, not wanting to expose what he had on his forehead, took a long piece of cloth and wound it round his head like a turban to hide it.
It was 2 days later when they reached the palace. The king was summoned and he asked Jack to show him his 2 pricks. Jack took off his pants and proudly showed it off to him. The king sighed in dismay and resignation and also called on Jim to show him his 2 pricks.
Embarrassed, Jim took off his pants and unwound his turban to reveal what's on his forehead. The king then yelled in disgust, "NI NA B EH ! YOU THIS TYPE OF LAN CHEOW BIN WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER AH ???!!!???? "
And so the term "Lan Cheow Bin" was coined. -
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Chee Soon Juan - Did I say that the chicken crossed the road? I meant the chicken-rice stall across the road, but left out some letters because of typo.
SDP vice-chairman - wo ting bu dong ni jiang shen me. (I don't know what you are saying).
Ling How Doong - don't talk cock.
Worker's Party - The PAP doesn't allow chickens to cross the road.
Chiam See Tong - The opposition must be loyal to Singapore. Don't eat Hainanese chicken rice. Eat Singapore noodles.
Ling How Doong - don't talk cock.
Chee Soon Juan - Did I say eat Hainanese chicken rice? I said CONSUME chicken rice at the stall across the road.
PAP - There is no chicken rice stall across the road.
Worker's Party - That is not true. The PAP just doesn't want chickens to cross the road.
Chiam See Tong - We must always stay on this side of the road and remain true Singaporeans.
Ling How Doong - don't talk cock.
Chee Soon Juan - Did I say consume chicken rice across the road? I said eat chicken rice OPPOSITE the road.
PAP - You said something different just a moment ago.
Ling How Doong - Don't talk cock. We didn't say it.
Chee Soon Juan - I have already repeated this sentence many times. I said, EAT chicken rice ALONG the road. --- contributed by Chua Kay Chuan
PM Goh:
What does being a chicken mean? Does it mean that if the chicken does not get to cross the road it will feel less than part of the coop? No. That must not be so. We are all chickens here and we must work together as chickens. We must want to stay in the coop, not because the coop provides us shelter, but because we are all chickens. Understand our chicken history to know that we have come to far from those bad days when we were just running around like unruly kampung chickens and not being hot housed as well-disciplined and efficient battery hens. We have to make sacrifices, but at the same time we support each other. So that if we ask you to give up the idea of crossing the road, you will understand that it is for the good of the coop. Only together as a coop can we stay cohesive.
Lim Boon Heng:
As a working chicken you must understand that crossing roads is not for you. It is meant for the professional chickens. These chickens are far and few in between and will require even corn on the other side of the road to cross our roads because they can cross roads anywhere in the world they choose. So for the greater good of the coop, please understand that crossing roads is not meant for you. And while you're at it can you please take a wage freeze?
BG Yeo:
This is because the chicken is sensitive to the multi-racial nature of its society and although it understands each culture is different, it also realizes that it must live within society. So it compromises. It finds some values -- a little from the Chinese, a little from the Indians, something from the Malays -- something uniquely Singaporean, and eventually it gathers the energy, the wider vision, the impetus to cross the road.
SM Lee:
(1996)
This is Asia. As young chickens, chase the rainbow and cross the roads here. Opportunities abound. You might get run down by cars in the process of crossing these roads, especially those in Myanmar, but it doesn't matter. For ten thousand who get run down one might reach it across -- and at the end of that rainbow -- there will be your dream. So it baffles me when they tell me that they want to cross other roads, elsewhere, because it is here that road crossing should be done.
BG Lee:
The chicken is a liar, a twister and a prevaricator and not only should he be run down, but he should also be defeathered, boiled and skinned-alive as an example for all other chickens to see and that will teach them a lesson in road crossing and typo errors.
--- contributed by Anon
A: Because it was a Singaporean chicken and the PAP told it to cross.
A: Because it wanted to get to MRT station on the PAP side of the road.
A: How did you know the chicken REALLY crossed the road - don't be naive and believe everything you read in the local press.
A: I don't know, I'm doing science, not arts.
A: Why are you asking him? Only MPs who graduate from Ivy League universities are qualified to comment on the real reason why the chicken crossed the street.
A: The chicken did not speak English or Mandarin and was therefore unable to get on the sedan chair and be carried across the street.
A: Free textbooks available across the street?
A: Will it be on the exam?
--- contributed by Edmund Chia
No chicken ever crossed the road. You think the chicken crossed the road because you see the chicken rice stall opposite the road. The statistics showed that an average of 93.408 people cross this road daily over the past year, of which 5.325% did not use the pedestrian crossing last month and were duly caught and fined. 70.874% stopped at the chicken rice stall to take their lunch of which 41.366% packaged it home.
But there are there are no data showing any chicken ever crossed the road. Let's get real. How can a chicken ever cross the road? It will be killed by the traffic before it made even half the way. Don't let the SDP mislead you with false data.
Even though no chicken ever crossed the road, but through the sound policies of the PAP government over the years, the chicken rice stall continues to enjoy good growth. And people continue to enjoy good and high quality chicken rice daily. So if you give the government your full backing, you can be assured of eating more years of chicken rice even though no chicken ever crossed the road. -
Serenity Under Pressure
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!" -
The Prodigal Sons
Four middle-aged man are telling stories in a bar. While one has gone for a piss, the first guy says, 'I was worried my son was going to be a loser, because his 1st proper job was washing cars on a garage forecourt. But it turns out he got a break, they made him a salesman and he sold so many motors that he bought the dealership! In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second man says, ' I was worried about my son too, because he started out tidying gardens for a letting agency. Turns out he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he eventually bought the firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday
The third guy says, ' i hear what you're saying. My son started out sweeping floors in bank. He got a break, they made him a trader, and now he owns the company. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave his best friends $1m in shares for his birthday.'
The forth bloke comes back from the toilet. The first three explain that they are telling stories about thier sons, so he says,
'Well, i'm embrrassed to admit that my son is a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser - and he is still a hairdresser after 15 years! In fact i just found out that he's gay and has several boyfriends. But i try to look on the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1m in shares for his birthday.' -
Sex Education
Sammy came running into the house and asked, ' Mummy, can little girls have babies?'
'No, said his mum, 'of course not.'
So he ran back outside. 'It's okay,' his mum heard him say to the girl next door. 'We can play that game again!' -
Hard To Believe
A elderly gentleman shuffles into a drug store and asks for Viagra.
'That's not a problem.' says the pharmcist. 'How many do you want?'
'Just a few, maybe four,' says the pensioner. 'But could you cut them into four pieces?'
'That won't do you much good,' replies the pharmcist.
The customer looks at him and sighs.
'I'm 83 years old - I'm not interested in sex anymore.' he says. 'I just want it to stick out far enough so i don't piss on my shoes.' -
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Emergency Service
Two hunters are out in the woods when one suddenly cries out and falls to the ground. He doesn't appear to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head, so the friend panics and telephones 999 on his mobile.
'My freind is dead!' he gasps to the operator. 'What can i do?'
The operator, speaking in a soothing voice, calms him down.
'Just take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
The line goes silent for a moment. and there's a loud bang before the man comes back on the line. 'Okay,' he says breathlessly, ' now what?' -
BuMpZ
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The Stray Earring
A mechanic is at work 1 day when he notices that his fellow grease-monkey is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a conservative fellow, and is curious about this sudden change in fashion sense.
'Tom, i didn't know that you were into earring.' he says.
'Oh, sure.' replies Tom sheepishly.
'Really? How long have you been wearing one?' asks the mechanic.
'Ever since my wife found it in our bed.' -
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uP®
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If Oil Prices still increase.......
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Allow me to present one....not sure if its funny or nt.
Dear God, I beg you to.....
give me the wisdom to understand my boss.
Give me the love to forgive him.
Give me the patience to understand his actions.
But dear God, don't present me strength.
Because if you give me strength.......
I WILL BREAK HIS SKULL !
