Football Humour
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Wacky World of Football
At the Parma ground in Italy, there is a perimeter advertisement for "Smeg".
Sean McCarthy had an eventful debut for Bradford City in 1990. He missed a penalty, scored a goal and got sent off.
Stephan Stanis scored 16 goals for Racing Club de Lens in 1942 in one match.
The home of Athletico Madrid is known as the "Mattress Makers Ground" because of the red and white decoration in the Vincente Calderon Stadium.
In 1975, Glencraig United were including the name of the referee of their match in their pre-match dressing room chants. The references were none too complimentary, so the man in black booked all eleven players and the two substitutes before they had even left the dressing room.
A 16-year old, Tommy Spratt, scored 14 goals on his debut for Manchester United's fifth team in 1957-58, in a 25-0 win.
French club Lens are sponsored by "Shop".
MTK-VM of Hungary are nicknamed "The Goose Eaters".
On the same day that Arbroath set a goalscoring record by beating Bon Accord 36-0 in 1885, Dundee Harps beat Aberdeen Rovers by the score of 35-0. Bon Accord were formed from Orion Cricket Club, who received an invitation to enter the Scottish Cup in error. It should have gone to Orion FC of Aberdeen. They had no pitch so moved the game to Arbroath, turned up without kit or boots and made up the name to hide their origins. The score was 15-0 at half time, the referee disallowed six other perfectly good goals to keep the score down and the Arbroath goalkeeper was so untroubled during the match that he took shelter underneath an umbrella, as he did not touch the ball at all in the 90 minutes. John Petrie, the Arbroath centre forward ended the match with 13 goals, a record for an individual in a first class match in the UK. Just to round things up, 16 goals were scored in the final half hour of the match, with seven of them being struck off for offside !!
In the 1890's, England were forced to play Ireland and Wales on the same day on three different occasions. They won all six games too.
In 1934, S.Milton's debut for Halifax Town could not have been any worse. Stockport County stuck 13 goals past him. How unlucky.
Everton and Aldershot were involved in the Cod War against Iceland in 1973 - both teams had boats named after them.
Meadowbank Thistle's ground - the Meadowbank stadium in Edinburgh was known as "The Concrete Lavvy Pan".
Thomas Grice of Ashton died in 1897, when, during play, he fell on his belt buckle which pierced his stomach.
Bert Llewellyn played only 11 minutes for Northampton Town before injury ended his career at the club.
Genk, of Belgium, have supporters who dress up as the Smurfs.
Stoppages and extra- time in a Libertadores Cup match between Santos of Brazil and Penarol of Uruguay in 1962 ended at 1 a.m. after three and a half hours.
Newcastle United appeared in no less than five FA Cup finals between 1905 and 1911. They were all played at Crystal Palace and they lost the lot.
Extra-time was used in the FA Cup final as long ago as 1875. In 1880, when the fourth round tie between Sheffield and Nottingham Forest finished with the scores level, Sheffield refused to play on and were disqualified from the competition.
A 1946 FA Cup tie between Stockport County and Doncaster Rovers was played until a result was achieved. It went on for so long fans went home for tea and came back to see the score at 4-4 and the game had to be stopped because of bad light after 203 minutes play.
Leicester City's 3rd Round FA Cup tie on 3rd January 1998 against Northampton Town was noted for the fact that not one foul was committed by the home side during the game.
There is a team in Poland called Aluminium Konin.
In a recent round of French Cup games, one team in each tie had "Lion Bar" as their shirt sponsors.
There is a team in Sweden called "Kings Head" !!
Laughter Chilembi, Gift Kampamba, Shy Kumwenda and January Zyambo are all members of the 2000 Zambian national squad.
There is an Argentinian Second Division team called Morons. -
the last 1 i buay tahan....
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Stan Collymore is pleased to announce his new contract:
1) "I'd have had to be mental not to join Leicester City."
2) "When I first heard about the offer I was in two minds about it."
3) "It didn't take long to work out the contract details and I was delighted to put crayon to paper."
4) "I think the first thing the fans will notice is my dribbling, although hopefully this new course of tablets will clear that up."
5) "Of course I discussed the move with my advisors first, and both my agent and the small purple goblin who lives in my underpants were in full agreement that this was the right choice for me."
6) "After working with a hot-head like John Gregory, I think being managed by a calm, rational character like Martin O'Neill will be good for my career."
7) "Yes, I was surprised when Mr. O'Neill called Ken Bates a cretin. I wasn't even aware that Ken came from Crete."
"I've been studying videos of the Foxes in action - and I really like it when the little one in the tweed suit says 'Boom! Boom!'"
9) "I'm absolutely delighted that we're through to the Worthington Cup Final because the lads here tell me you can get about £200 each for your tickets."
10) "I've been saying for a long time that all I need is to get a couple of kicks in and my confidence would come flooding back. But sadly Ulrika won't answer my phone calls." -
Q. "What does a 3 pin plug and Arsenal Football Club have in common?"
A. "They're both useless in Europe"
Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsenal reached the double last year, so he decides on a visit to London to see how Arsene Wenger coaches his team. After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. 'Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally'. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Bergkamp to come over to the sidelines. He asks: 'Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is not difficult', Dennis answers immediately, 'Of course that is me'. 'You see? That's the way you keep them sharp', Wenger says to Fergie. Ferguson, who wants to win the double also, decides to bring this into Manchester United's practice the next day. He calls David Beckham over to the sidelines. 'David, I have a question for you', he says, 'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is he?' 'My God, Coach', is the Spice Boy's reply, 'That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that one night, and why do you ask me these questions?' Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement. So that night Beckham decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods. 'Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is easy, that is me!', says Jaap Stam. So the next day David walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks: 'David, do you know the answer to my question now?'. 'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, 'Is it Jaap Stam?' Ferguson answers: 'No of course not you stupid b*****d. It's Dennis Bergkamp.
Fire brigade phones Arsene Wenger in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Mr Wenger sir, Highbury is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Arsene.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.
Thiery Henry was recently quizzed by police about an alleged, unprovoked attack on a pregnant woman.
When asked why he attacked the woman, he replied: "I didn't realise that she was pregnant, I thought that it was a 50-50 ball that she had up her jumper!!!"
Wenger told his wife he was going out shopping.
"What are you going for?" she asked.
Wenger replied, "I'm getting some pizzas, some booze, oh and a new pair of gloves for my Keeper."
"Sounds like a good swap to me," said his wife!
why do they call wenger hitler?
because he cant win in europe either.
What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
A. The tea stays in the cup longer!
The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal" are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Terry Venables and Arsene Wenger are getting interviewed at the end of last season and the interviewer turns to Wenger :"So Arsene after a few disastrous results in the last couple of weeks where do you see Arsenals season going from here?" "Well, as I said at the start of the season, our main aim is to win the Premier league and I still think we're in with a good chance!" Interviewer turns to Venables: "So then
Terry, what do you think of Palaces prospects then?" "Well I'm hoping that we'll go up as champions and probably win the FA Cup, then take the Premiership by storm in a couple of years, with a possible Grand Slam of all major domestic trophies!" The interviewer is a bit shocked and turns round to Venables and says:
"You're not serious, surely?" "Well Arsene bloody started it!!"
One day, a Spurs fan man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every Arsenal supporter in the world will receive double what you asked for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" Poof ! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every gooner r in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and Poof! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every Gooner in the world is two million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the spurs fan. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
There was a Arsenal. fan with a really crappy seat at Highbury. Looking with his binoculars he spotted an empty seat on the half way line. Thinking to himself "What a waste", he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Arsenal fan."
The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask you why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral." -
How many Manchester Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1997 lightbulb changing" commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.
New Manchester United Numbering System
In a bold new move, Manchester United have announced today that, as of this season, they are to abandon the controversial 'squad numbering' system. United's Executive Director of Finance, Martin Edwards, said that the system will be replaced with a revolutionary system of bar-coding, "as we feel it will reduce the check-out waiting time of all the people queueing up to buy our players. Keying those squad numbers and prices into the till was very time consuming and this is a much simpler system" said the delighted financial supremo. The system was revealed at the launch of United's new 'Red Shield Stamps' promotion, whereby anyone who buys a United player gets a stamp to collect in a small booklet. "Anyone with more than 2 stamps gets David May free" quotes Edwards.
What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs?
They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsenal reached the double last year, so he decides on a visit to London to see how Arsene Wenger coaches his team. After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. 'Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally'. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Bergkamp to come over to the sidelines. He asks: 'Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is not difficult', Dennis answers immediately, 'Of course that is me'. 'You see? That's the way you keep them sharp', Wenger says to Fergie. Ferguson, who wants to win the double also, decides to bring this into Manchester United's practice the next day. He calls David Beckham over to the sidelines. 'David, I have a question for you', he says, 'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is he?' 'My God, Coach', is the Spice Boy's reply, 'That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that one night, and why do you ask me these questions?' Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement. So that night Beckham decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods. 'Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is easy, that is me!', says Jaap Stam. So the next day David walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks: 'David, do you know the answer to my question now?'. 'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, 'Is it Jaap Stam?' Ferguson answers: 'No of course not you stupid idiot. It's Dennis Bergkamp
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Alex Ferguson and Joe Royle are having and end of season radio interview and the interviewer asks Joe, 'What are your aims for the next 5 years?'. 'Well I think we should try to consolidate for a year or two, and them aim towards building a push for the premiership', Replies Joe. The interviewer then turns to Alex, 'What about you at United?'. 'Well I want to win the double 5 years on the bounce, win Europe 5 years on the bounce and basically never lose a game for 5 years', replies Alex. 'Aren't you being a bit over the top?' Asks the interviewer, and Alex replies 'Yeah well he started it
How many Man. Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
540,001. That's one to change it, 40,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit! In fact, it could be argued 540,002, as someone will have to compare the light bulb to George Best.
"RagCall apologises for not being able to announce the results of United's forthcoming Malaysian tour. It is hoped that results will be available in advance of the team's departure next week. A spokesman for Hampshire Constabulary has denied that the delay has anything at all to do with them."
From the Viz Top Tips:
Manchester United Directors - why spend three million (25m??) on a new 3 tier stand at Old Trafford?
Why not relocate and build a brand new stadium somewhere near London to reward your loyal lifelong supporters with a shorter journey home after matches.
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
Four surgeons are having a coffee break.
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Man U fans. They're gutless, spineless, heartless and their heads are interchangeable."