I have a boyfriend who grew up with me.
His name is Jin.
I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we
went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with
him.
Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my
love for him.
And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each
other in different ways.
I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there
were so many other girls.
To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just
another girlÂ…
“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.
“I can’t”
“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment
grabbing me.
“No… I am going to meet a friend…”
He was always like that.
He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing.
To him, I was just a girlfriend.
The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth.
Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’
before.
To us, there werenÂ’t any anniversaries at all.
He didnÂ’t say anything from the first day and it continued
till 100 daysÂ…200daysÂ…
Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a
doll, everyday, without fail. I donÂ’t know whyÂ…
Then one dayÂ…
Me: Um, Jin, I Â…
Jin: WhatÂ…donÂ’t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: Â…Â…youÂ….um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me
the doll.
Then he disappeared, like he was running away.
The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room,
one by one. There were manyÂ…
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday.
When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him,
and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call.
ButÂ… lunch passed, dinner passedÂ… and soon the sky was
darkÂ… he still didnÂ’t call.
It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore.
Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me
and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the
house.
Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: JinÂ…
Jin: HereÂ…take thisÂ…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: WhatÂ’s this?
Jin: I didnÂ’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it
to you now. IÂ’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday.
He turned around and walked away like nothing had
happen.
Then I shoutedÂ…
“Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love meÂ…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him.
But he just said simple cold words and left.
“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you
are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”
That was what he said. Then he ran off.
My legs felt numbÂ…and I collapsed to the ground. He
didnÂ’t want to say it easilyÂ…
How could heÂ….
I felt thatÂ…
Maybe he is not the right guy for meÂ…
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just
crying.
He didnÂ’t call me, although I was waiting.
He just continued handing me a little doll every morning
outside my house.
ThatÂ’s how those dolls piled up in my roomÂ… everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school.
But what made the pain resurface was thatÂ… I saw him on
a streetÂ…with another girlÂ…
He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed
meÂ…as he touched the dollÂ…
I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my
room, and tears fellÂ…
Why did he gave these to meÂ…
Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girlsÂ…
In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around.
Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him.
He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house.
I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop.
I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him,
thatÂ… itÂ’s going to end.
Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldnÂ’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen
and joking around.
Soon, he held out the doll as usualÂ…
Me: I donÂ’t need it.
Jin: WhatÂ….whyÂ…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I donÂ’t need this doll, I donÂ’t need it anymore!! I donÂ’t
want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike
other days, his eyes very shaking.
“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice.
He then walked over to the road to pick up the dollÂ…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just
throw it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll.
ThenÂ…
Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted…
But he didnÂ’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the
doll.
“Jin, move!”
HONK~!!
“Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.
ThatÂ’s how he went away from me.
ThatÂ’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to
say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness
and the sadness of losing himÂ…
And after spending two months like a crazy personÂ…
I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we
started going out.
I remembered the days I spent with him and started to
count the daysÂ… when we were in loveÂ…
“One…two… three…”
That was howÂ… I started to count the dollsÂ…
“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty
five…”
It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms.
I hugged it tightly, then suddenlyÂ…
“I love you~, I love you~”
I dropped the dolls,shocked.
“I….lo..ve…you??”
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.
“I love you~ I love you~”
It canÂ’t be!
I pressed all the dollsÂ’ stomach as it piled on the side.
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop.
IÂ…love youÂ…
Why didnÂ’t I realize thatÂ….
That his heart was always by my side, protecting me.
Why didnÂ’t I realize that he love me this muchÂ…
I took out the doll under the bed and pressed itÂ’s stomach,
that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road.
It had his blood stain on it.
The voice came out, the on that I was missing so muchÂ…
“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each
other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldnÂ’t
say I love youÂ…. UmÂ… since I was too shyÂ… If you
forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love youÂ…
everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”
The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked
god, why do I only know about all this now?
He canÂ’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last
minuteÂ…
For thatÂ… and for that reasonÂ… to meÂ… it became
courageÂ… to live a beautiful lifeÂ….
