Mocha with Marshmallows (repost)

• jOhO

  23 Jan 04, 14:27

  I
  
  Some things never change. She was late as usual.
  
  The cafe I was sitting at was also something that never changed. Sure, Joe, the owner, had refurbished this place a couple of times since I'd known him. But somehow the ambience was one of dismal nostalgia, and never failed to bring me back to the past, to this table in the corner where we sat faithfully for a period of time in my life that I would never forget.
  
  I was jarred away from my thoughts from the sound of the chair opposite me being dragged on the marbled floor.
  
  "Sorry I'm late. Traffic jam."
  
  At half past three on a Sunday afternoon? She's a hopeless liar.
  
  "It's ok, I haven't been here long myself."
  
  I beckoned to Joe and the surprised look on his face was obvious. He was wondering why she was there. I mimicked a person drinking coffee and he understood that I wanted him to get a drink for her.
  
  When her mocha with marshmallows arrived she was quite elated. "You remembered, Joe. I'm impressed!"
  
  "Yes, I remember. Too much sometimes. Enjoy your mocha, Chloe!"
  
  She smiled and turned her attention back to me. All the familiar memories came flooding back, the countless times that we used to sit here, the countless times she smiled at Joe for bringing her favourite drink, the countless times that she would offer me one of her marshmallows well knowing that I never ate them.
  
  This time was no different. "Want one?" She used her teaspoon to point to a pink marshmallow sitting comfortably by the green mug that said 'Joe's Cafe' on it.
  
  "Okay." I said.
  
  Surprised, she looked up. "Really?"
  
  I laughed. "Of course not. You know I don't really like sweet stuff." Pause. "How have you been, Chloe?"
  
  Without answering my question, she exclaimed, "Hey! I heard from a friend that there's this really cool party going on tonight. Since I haven't been back for a while, I really wanna see how the scene is like nowadays. You wanna come with us?"
  
  I wasn't fazed. For some reason I was in a serious mood. Yes, I hadn't seen her for two years, but I did worry for her time and again. I wanted to know that she was ok.
  
  "Answer me." I hoped I hadn't sounded too irritated.
  
  Her smile faded slightly. Then totally. "Why do you want to know how I've been?"
  
  "Why not?" I replied defiantly.
  
  "Well then, I'm ok. You happy now?"
  
  I didn't believe we were arguing already. This was bizarre. Just like the good old days. An awkward silence settled between us, while the cafe was slowly beginning to bustle with old ladies wanting warm scones with jam.
  
  I took out my clean handkerchief and passed it to her when she unsuccessfully tried to hold her tears back. I knew how she was feeling. Because I was feeling it too.
  
  "I'm sorry, Chloe..."
  
  "No, don't be. I was just being overly sensitive. My life is shit, bunny..."
  
  I hadn't heard her, or anyone else, for that matter, call me that for so long. It felt encouraging, yet disappointing. The epitome of oxymorons.
  
  "I've missed you." She continued. "I know I shouldn't be saying all this, but you know I can't lie to you. I swore I wouldn't ever lie to you again if only you could forgive me."
  
  I think it was my turn to change the topic. "So when are you going to the party tonight? I guess you'll be there with Yvonne and gang?"
  
  The conversation lulled into idle chatter. I found out that the puppy that we bought together was still as cute, and that I should go and see her, that her university results were good, but not by her standards and that her mother just started her own business working from home as a seamstress to while her time away. Her incessant chatter, however, failed to mention one thing. Him.
  
  "Tim...? Tim!"
  
  "Huh? Oh..."
  
  "What were you thinking about?" Her soft smile coupled with a slightly inquisitive look was exquisite. "You haven't spoken much since I got here. Don't you have anything to tell me?"
  
  "How is he?" I bit my lip. I thought I swore to myself that I wouldn't talk about him.
  
  "We've broken off." Her reply was almost instant. She had expected this question. Pause. "Are you attached?"
  
  "Yes. I'm still attached. Very much attached to you."
  
  The smile appeared again. "Thanks Tim, that means a lot to me." I forced a smile back. One thing that I guess I was glad for was that I could make her happy, even if it was just for that moment, but at the expense of my heart in wrenching pain.
  
  "Tell me, Tim, have you ever thought of us trying again?"
  
  My heart skipped a beat. Maybe two. Was she kidding? Of course!
  
  My reply was a straight faced "No." God dammit, I hated myself for being such a good liar.
  
  After I paid the bill, I sent her back. There was no traffic on the streets, just families in parks, couples by the river, and the sunset over the horizon. The journey was a tormenting one. Neither of us spoke, neither needed to. The radio was playing Roxette:
  
  It must have been love, but it's over now
  It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
  It must have been love, but it's over now
  From the moment we touched till the time had run out.
• jOhO

  23 Jan 04, 14:27

  II
  
  The doorbell rang incessantly.
  
  In my sleepy stupor, I managed to put on a pair of boxers back to front before stumbling to the door to alleviate the offending party of their impatience.
  
  "Hi Tim!" Her exuberance, however lively, failed to tickle any of my lulled senses.
  
  "Chloe... er, good evening?" I was mildly irritated yet pleasantly surprised to see her.
  
  "We're going to the party now. Why do you look like you're sleeping already?"
  
  "Because I am!"
  
  Fifteen minutes later, I was dragged out of the house because she grabbed my keys and threatened to drive herself there in my car if I didn't want to come along. Best thing was, it wasn't a threat for I soon found myself shitting my pants in the passenger seat. Usually I'm worried about how much it would cost me to repair my car should there be any mishap, but this time I wasn't. I was worried for my life! I muttered, "Next time you drive, please let me know. I'll tell my loved ones to stay away from the roads..." and was conveniently ignored.
  
  She parked the car between two lots and tossed me the keys with a huge grin. I wasn't impressed at all. I got out of the passenger seat and wanted to re-park the car but she grabbed my arm and led me towards the crowd. I was livid. Jerking my arm away from her, I exclaimed, "Chloe, that was totally uncalled for. First, you storm into my place like the second coming, then you drive like a lunatic, then you park like a spastic, and now you wouldn't even let me park my car properly for you! And by the way, since when did I die and you made heir to my car?" I was sure I broke a blood vessel somewhere.
  
  I had too sharp a tongue for my own good, but I was really upset with the whole situation, which included being rudely interrupted from my sleep. Why was I getting upset anyway? This is just so damn typical of her. I had forgotten, and the revival of this memory further infuriated me.
  
  "I'm sorry." With that, she walked off toward the crowd, and I couldn't tell if she was angry, or sad. I would have been able to two years back, but not now.
  
  I ran after her and pulled her back. "No, I'm not going to accept that. I want to know, right now, why you did that. What in this whole god-damned world compelled you to piss me off like no one else can?"
  
  The last thing I was expecting was a tearful hug from her, and instincts commanded me to hug back. "I don't know bunny, maybe I just wanted to test if you are still the only person in this world that could love me just the way I am."
  
  The peace I felt in her embrace nulled the booming sounds escaping the club, the giggles of passers-by and the blaring horn from the Subaru that we were blocking. I was so confused, for I knew that if anyone else in the world had put up the stunt she pulled before, I would have just left, and would probably never speak to them again. But here I was, feeling peace, of all things, to be holding someone that had betrayed me.
  
  I led her back to the car gently, and grabbed a few sheets of Kleenex. "I'm really sorry," she continued sobbing, "I..."
  
  I stood there silently.
  
  "I just wanted to act as if I was still your little baby that would be able to get away with anything. I don't know what came over me, bunny. I'm so sorry!" Thank goodness for my temperamental rhinitis, since that ensured a healthy stock of tissues in the car.
  
  I wanted smack myself for feeling a deep desire to console her, to cheer her up, to protect her. I was fighting deep within myself, pride versus passion, resentment versus affection.
  
  "Say something Tim!" Her face displayed a convoluted mix of fear, frustration and distress.
  
  I hugged her, and closed my eyes. I felt her love, tainted with unfeigned, heartfelt regret. She felt mine too, enervated over time by pain. "Please forgive me. Please."
  
  We stayed motionless for a long time. I was muted. I needed some time.
• jOhO

  23 Jan 04, 14:28

  III
  
  "Can I have a mocha with marshmallows?"
  
  "Certainly. Would that be all?"
  
  After she nodded, Chloe turned her attention back to Yvonne. "Hope you didn't wait long."
  
  "I'm used to waiting for you anyway!" Yvonne retorted, sarcastically.
  
  Idle chatter followed, and Chloe was glad that she could relax with her best friend, and her favourite drink. Although Tim was lingering in her mind, she realised that she still had good friends that made her happy. She knew she shouldn't let her vexed and pathetic moods ruin what she had left.
  
  Yvonne's voice broke her train of thought: "Anyway, Chlo, I asked you out today for a reason." She sounded serious, quite a different tone from moments before. "I need to tell you something. Tim and I have been together for a year. Our anniversary is next week."
  
  Chloe choked. "What?!"
  
  "I'm sorry, we should have told you, but he said no. He still says no, and doesn't know I'm telling you now." Yvonne kept a very straight face.
  
  Chloe was shattered. Her heart sank, and she felt herself go numb. She felt as though her chest was being sucked into her stomach, and that her stomach was churning, and the retching feeling was almost suffocating.
  
  "Why didn't he tell me?" Chloe fought to keep her voice stable, but the single teardrop told no lies about how she really felt.
  
  "He says because he knows that you would be upset. I say because he still loves you." This time, Yvonne's voice quivered. And then she too, broke down. "I love him too, Chloe. Shit, we're in a mess this time!"
  
  Chloe reached her hand out and cupped Yvonne's. "No, we're not in a mess. He's your boyfriend. And that's the way it will stay. Don't worry about me, I'm fine! Don't let my return change anything, including our friendship, ok?" She was surprised at her strength.
  
  "You don't understand, Chlo, he doesn't love me. He loves you. He always has! I knew this and still fell for him." She paused to take a deep breath. "I hope you can make him happy again. I certainly don't seem to be able to."
  
  Chloe didn't understand. It was so unlike Yvonne to be like this. So debilitated, so withdrawn. She remembered when they were ten, Yvonne would fight with the boys in school when they pulled her hair; at fifteen when she said "She's gone to a better place, I'm happy for her" when her mum passed on; at twenty when she broke up with her first boyfriend because "Women are so empowered these days, why should we give in to men?" Now, at twenty-six, it seems the astute Yvonne is diminished.
  
  "Yvie, what makes you think I can make him happy?"
  
  "If you can make him sad, you can make him happy. Don't you see? Only the people closest to your heart can ever hurt you. He let you in, that is why you managed to do the damage. Just don't screw him up again, huh?" Yvonne's tone was slightly more composed this time, even indignant, yet resolute.
  
  Chloe didn't know if Yvonne was doing this because of their timeless friendship, or because her logic told her that there was no point in fighting anymore. 'She's right though', Chloe thought to herself. Tim did love her, and only her, which made her feel even greater remorse. How pathetically stupid she was, to have had thrown away the only thing that ever made her truly happy. She chastised herself, and abandoned herself in doleful sobs.
• jOhO

  23 Jan 04, 14:29

  IV
  
  My first anniversary with Yvonne also marked the end of our relationship. I was torn between Chloe, the love and crutch of my life, and Yvonne, who was anything but selfish and gave me as much time as I needed to regain my life after being devastated, but therein lay the problem. Time was an excuse. It was an excuse for me to wait for Chloe to return, even though I had secretly denied that even to myself.
  
  “Tim, don’t you have anything to say?” Yvonne’s tear-stained face now tried to force a smile. She looked haggard, disconsolated. I hadn’t seen her for a week and could hardly recognise her. Suddenly she seemed to me like a stranger. I felt extremely remorseful, and saw myself as one of the typical men that cheated women’s feelings, the kind of men I abhorred, and had vowed never to be.
  
  I held her close. She was sobbing again. I had never seen her like this. So fragile, so weak and dependent. I did have feelings for her, but was also beholden to her. I never quite figured out what it was we had, but I knew that I did not love her, and it didn’t matter now that I tried relentlessly to. Maybe it’s not a really just a cliché, where there is only one person that you will ever love in your life. That person is not Yvonne.
  
  That night I drove home from her place a sorry man. I parked haphazardly and took a walk. The wind chill was bone-numbing, and seemed to complement the feeling within me. I walked aimlessly, recognising nothing of the neighbourhood I had lived in for twenty years, except for a familiar figure at the end of the path leading to the park.
  
  “I want to be alone.” I said, not very convincingly. I looked up, and then frowned. “Why are you here anyway?”
  
  “Yvonne called, told me you left her place. I knew you’d come here.”
  
  “You didn’t answer my question.” I was beyond expression.
  
  “Err... I just wanted to check that you were ok, and if you needed to, you know... talk or something…?” She was stumbling all over herself. Adorable.
  
  Moon light formed silhouettes on her anxious face and pronounced her features clearly. Her slightly sharp nose half visible and half in darkness sat on a symmetrical heart-shaped face. Eyes personifying almonds gleamed as the crescent moon light reflected in them. Her ample eyebrows were slightly nipped from worry, and sensual lips dry from inadequacy. I then realised I was staring. Staring at the only person in the world that I would ever let in.
  
  “You look beautiful. I haven’t had a good look at you since you came back. You’re really pretty, Chlo.” I must have thought out loud, because she blushed and looked away. So I spoke my mind, but I felt silly, and more like one of “those” men that I so detested. Didn’t Yvonne and I just break up? And here I was, flirting? This wasn’t me. Then again, I didn’t know what I was anymore.
  
  She stepped up to me slowly and started playing with my shirt button. Looking down, she mumbled, “Let’s try again, bunny.” If the tugging at my shirt symbolised tugging my heartstrings, she did a very good job. This was the woman I loved, yet I always denied it. No more torture, I told myself.
  
  “What was that?” I teased. I was feeling miraculously uplifted. My voiced smiled and she didn’t have to look up to see that my lips followed suit. Her fist gently pounded my chest as she realised I was basking in her embarrassment. I could feel her heart pounding too, and her unabated smile.
  
  “Bastard,” she still mumbled. “You heard what I said!”
  
  I relented, but remained silent and in sweet embrace. The moon shone upon us, it seemed brighter now, obviously approving what it saw. I stroked her hair gently, the pain finally released after two long years. I closed my eyes and whispered, “I love you, Chlo.”
  
  *~~~*
  
• jOhO

  11 Apr 04, 15:08

  i was reading thru my work again, decided to bump this thread up.
  
  any comments from those that haven't already?