Pain..........
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The chill autumn air cut into my heart. I rummage my feet along the pavement, casting away the wonder hues of gold and crimson leaves to the side. It was late October, the trees were shedding and their stark branches cast out into the path, having to go through another winter. It will be spring before they get any attention again.
I had waited for 4 years before l decided to do this. I had not spoken her for years, let alone seen her. l thought along the years, l might have forgotten her but now here l am, walking down the lane to the place she was staying.
We met when we were 16.Just out of secondary school then and got to know her through some friends. It was unlike most stories where they were knew they were made for each other right at the beginning, we started out as individuals. She held her own opinions that l always had high regard of. My view often contrasted hers; often felt that she was too much of a cynic, some one that have not seen the rainbow yet. I could not understand why were there so many issues that bothered her. But everyday, l learned...it opened up my senses. I guess u can say l got so involved in it that l spend most of my time in lengthy discussions with her, taking us often into early dawn. She seemed so strong.
We took on different life during that time but shared these private spaces of thoughts together as time went on. I went to bed each night thinking how wonderful if we could have these nightly rhapsodies accompany us to sleep.
4 months later in April, she called one night with her voice cracking up. She was below my place so l went down and got her up.
"I hurt so much..."with her voice trailing off into quiet sobs,"she just went...like that."
l kept quiet. Never seen her broke down before, never seen her hurt so much. My eyes welled up in tears, l doesnÂ’t know why. Perhaps it hurt me so much just to see her cry. I held her, not wanting to let her see my tear. My vision was unfocused, as if l was looking at something faraway. I never felt so much for someone, never cared so much, never hurt so much, never...That night, l fell for her...quiet but surely.
We spent the next few weeks getting over a friend that passed away. We cried silently at the wake but inside l cried in pain when l saw her in tears. Somehow, we were both very individual people and this friend was one of her closer friends. With her friend gone, it must have created a large void. I guess she never felt so alone until now.
That experience left her in a state nonchalance for weeks. I spent all the time l could with her, but there were times when l knows she needed more support. I never said anything about the way l felt for her, l just continued to care. Above all, l treasured the friendship so much, l did not want to risk that.
My silence thoughts were kept under wraps for the next 2 years. l was just so happy she was my friend. There were times when l dismissed my feelings as mere phrases of my extreme concern suppressed them and thought about them even convinced myself that all these was too extreme.
"Give it a year and l will forget everything.” was the silent phrase that l say to myself.
Since that incident, she had always thought of leaving the country to further her studies. Every time she asked my opinion, l replied in the similar fashion, "Go anywhere as long as u are happy..."Perhaps l never took her seriously and she took my in it's full context.
Then in 1996,she broke the news to me. It was a blamly night, we just had dinner and we were at the beach. l was just observing the boats that were moored in the distance, how they rock each time a wave passes them but how they still remain where they are no matter how many waves come along...just like life, if u have got someone to anchor u down.
"You are the last one to know...", she paused. -
wow, nice story.
wat was her story?
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l stared at her.
"Huh?"
"You always told me to find my own happiness, to do the stuff l wanted to do. l am leaving on Sunday to UK to study..."
My mind just wandered off, l did not listen to the rest. My heart sank...a wretched pain numbed my senses.
"I know l would have never been able to leave if u found out if l was really leaving so l decided to let you in last.
You would never have let me left so l just had to let you know and not let you affect my decision...l love u and u always know that...but l need to get my life back. It is very painful for me as well...."
What she said made so much sense to my brain but not to my heart. Ironically, this was what l liked about her after all, her ability to hold her own opinion and make sense in everything that she says.
The day she left, l cried. I never got my chance to tell her how much l loved her but l never wanted to tell her then as well because it was just too unfair. l was glad as it was her happiness she was looking for. The thought of "if you love someone, you got to free them" just hit me. But she never knew l loved her so much.
We went well by email, almost a daily affair. On valentine Day 1997,l had to profess to her my feelings. It was in a poem. Some how things never became the same after she knew the truth, she stopped the mails and we lost each other. l felt pain, but this time, it was because of a loss friendship.
...I stood at her door and knocked. It was getting chilly as the sun was setting. My plane ride had been for 15 hours and l rushed here as soon as l had my luggage in the hotel. She did not know l was coming.
"Who's there", rang that familiar voice.
l could hear her breathing behind the door.
"Me...", l said.
Then there was a paused. l could tell she knew it was me.
"I am sorry, l cannot see u...," her voice trail off ...
My smile was wipe off. l could not understand it. Why? Doesn't she wanna catch up with me? Was it what l said before? Why? Thoughts just came randomly.... l continue to knock but there wasn't anyone opening the door. So l left my hotel address under the door.
"I won't force you. I just wanna say that l flew here today not to expect anything to happen. l just came to see you. You have been on my mind constantly for 4 years now, every day, l think of you. My life is not made up by myself, it is people around me that make my life what it is.. l hope you will meet me, just to say hi to each other, "with that, l left. It was confusing that someone could be so close to you for 3 year but turnout the way things are now.
I received a note in the hotel the next day. It read,
"l am sorry but l can never see in person ever again. It pains me each time to know that you think of me, l am actually thinking of someone else. You had make my life so wonderful when l was home and l wanna hold it in that light, never wanna change it. If l told you that all this while l was waiting for you to say you love me, would you have hated me? Sometimes, we ask ourselves too many questions and we do not get answers but more questions. You and l were the greatest of friends but we lost it somehow...it pains me. l am now having a relationship that l treasure. We do not get along like the way u and l do but love is beyond logic and reasoning. You and l, we often try to reason but we get nowhere like that, we just need to seize the moment. Why didn't you just kiss me. Good bye."
It has been another year since that trip. I left 2 days after l got the letter. l still think of her, it seems l might not ever get over her. I have not even told her in face l love her but l guess l will never want to, it probably takes on a different meaning to her now. What really hurt was that we actually liked each other but we just took too long to admit it. Perhaps nothing will hurt anymore than this. Perhaps, because that day, l knew l lost not only my love, my friend but also a part of me.
It has been 9 years now. l just wanna say, l still love u. -
u read so fast?? lolx... sad story...Originally posted by sgboy2004:wow, nice story. -
omg...i initially thought it was a story u are writing, it turn out to be your personal experience?
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r u still in contact wif her?
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Basket.. We all from same clan one then u still make ur fellow gang member sad.Originally posted by sgboy2004:omg...i initially thought it was a story u are writing, it turn out to be your personal experience?
DS, juz gimme the word. I ahbish him for u.
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its... reallyOriginally posted by sgboy2004:omg...i initially thought it was a story u are writing, it turn out to be your personal experience? -
a story lolx
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haha.. no need lah.. how r u guys? its been a long time...Originally posted by Spear:Basket.. We all from same clan one then u still make ur fellow gang member sad.
DS, juz gimme the word. I ahbish him for u. -
see, i told u it is only a story...still wanna hit meOriginally posted by Spear:Basket.. We all from same clan one then u still make ur fellow gang member sad.
DS, juz gimme the word. I ahbish him for u. -
where hav u been?Originally posted by dark_slayer79:haha.. no need lah.. how r u guys? its been a long time... -
Ya. U really mia for quite a while ok?Originally posted by dark_slayer79:haha.. no need lah.. how r u guys? its been a long time...
Guess I'm ok here. Juz that becoming more and more viillainous nia. -
erm.. everywhere lolxOriginally posted by sgboy2004:where hav u been?
i do logged in sometime.. just that din post.. haha.. i been in friendster and myspace and msn.. too busy lolx -
Who call u to be buaya? People always say eat crocodile good for body mah..Originally posted by sgboy2004:see, i told u it is only a story...still wanna hit me 
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haha... viillain wif narz jie? lolxOriginally posted by Spear:Ya. U really mia for quite a while ok? Guess I'm ok here. Juz that becoming more and more viillainous nia. -
tat's good.Originally posted by dark_slayer79:erm.. everywhere lolx
i do logged in sometime.. just that din post.. haha.. i been in friendster and myspace and msn.. too busy lolx
I MIA for quite a while too, from March 2003-Oct 2003. Just came back in Nov 2003 and finally managed to surpass the 20K...
It's good to b back here to buaya...join me man -
lolx.. haven't change abitOriginally posted by sgboy2004:tat's good.
I MIA for quite a while too, from March 2003-Oct 2003. Just came back in Nov 2003 and finally managed to surpass the 20K...
It's good to b back here to buaya...join me man -
Damn...kanna exposed sia..Originally posted by dark_slayer79:haha... viillain wif narz jie? lolx
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so u are the one tat is occupying my narz jieOriginally posted by Spear:Damn...kanna exposed sia.. -
Once a buaya, forever a buaya...Originally posted by dark_slayer79:lolx.. haven't change abit
Why not going out this Sat? -
Sat? comming one? to where?Originally posted by sgboy2004:Once a buaya, forever a buaya...
Why not going out this Sat? -
>eyes look up at twinkle twinkly little stars..<Originally posted by sgboy2004:so u are the one tat is occupying my narz jie
"I never.." -
haha.. i really miss the clan.. those was the day lolxOriginally posted by Spear:Damn...kanna exposed sia.. -
who is spear? extra leizOriginally posted by dark_slayer79:haha.. i really miss the clan.. those was the day lolx