Diary of the Dragon Prince
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14 February 2003 (Friday) – Valentine’s Day. Told dear wife that I am very busy with meetings the whole day: Iraq crisis, North Korea crisis etc. She remarked that it is funny how I always have emergency meetings on 14 February. She reminded me that we have not had a single Valentine’s Day together since we were match-made. And I intend to keep this streak going, I thought to myself as I got into the car.
In the car, ran through my appointments for the day. I have breakfast, lunch and dinner meetings. All with the same person: that married chio bu MP colleague of mine, that WIW (woman-in-white). Her husband will just have to have his meals by himself.
Acting on a bomb threat, the Les Amis restaurant at Botanic Gardens was cleared of customers in the morning. Breakfast with WIW was in complete privacy.
Walked into my office and there were a dozen bunch of roses for me. That was gossip fodder for the entire Parliament staff the whole day. Am really pleased with my personal secretary. Had instructed him yesterday to arrange for these flowers to be delivered to me. Nothing beats loving oneself on ValentineÂ’s Day.
WIW popped over and we had a working lunch inside my office. We spent five minutes reviewing official matters, and the rest of lunch on other matters. Matters-of-the-heart, to be exact.
In the evening, went over to the Beaufort Hotel at Sentosa. Hmm, what do you know, there was also a bomb scare and the restaurant area was cordoned off. Dun understand why citizens complained about living congestion in this little red dot of an island. Over candlelight dinner, we talked about social issues in Singapore, issues like the high divorce rate and the F4 phenomenon. WIW expressed her disgust at the news that a woman could leave her husband for F4. Then she realized the irony of the situation, and looked embarrassed. I added that it was indeed stupid for that woman to do that. If she had left for someone like me, I would understand, but F4…she must be out of her mind. By the way, I asked WIW, how does ‘Jerry Lee’ or ‘Vaness Lee’ sound to her? -
17 February 2003 (Monday) – Dear wife is at it again, she is at that period in the month when she gets moody. When she is moody, she fires people. And I can tell that she is in a real big black mood because she fired 800 workers from PSA.
To reward herself for her good work, she went to do a little shopping. Now the problem is that when she goes shopping when she is moody, she gets impulsive. She splurged $1 million on renovating the corporate office at PSA. She also ended up with two more foreign talent. They came free with the S$1 million bill. They would look nice as scapegoats, the interior designer advised her. -
hurry up and skip to the SARS chapters
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25 February 2003 (Tuesday) – After dinner, told dear wife that I am working on the Budget, please do not disturb. Locked myself in the study. Chatted on ICQ with WIW (woman in white) for an hour, then surf for another hour. Fell asleep at the desk. Alarm went off at 3:30am. Watched European Champions League football: Juventus vs Man United. Game ended at 5:30am. Won a couple of thousand dollars. Called personal assistant. He was alarmed. Is there anything wrong at such an unearthly hour? Nothing has happened, I said. Just want to let you know I am tired from working on the Budget and will be coming in to the office only in the afternoon.
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26 February 2003 (Wednesday) – After dinner, told dear wife that I am still working on the Budget. She looked rather unhappy, so I said I got a present for her. She opened it and inside was a vibrator. Now leave me alone, I said. Did the usual chat and surfing and then fell asleep. Woke up in time for the Ajax vs Arsenal game. Won another couple of thousand dollars. Called personal assistant again at 5:30am. -
27 February 2003 (Thursday) – I work best under pressure. Went to the government library and dug up the 1985 budget. Made a copy of the budget and made a few changes. That will do. -
28 February 2003 (Friday) – Budget Day. Woman In White gave me encouraging smiles as I presented the budget. Almost gave the game away when I mentioned 1985 instead of 2003. My colleagues put on a show of debating the budget, but it was passed at the end of the day. Pretty satisfied with myself for a good week’s work: got wife a present, won a few thousand dollars, and put Singapore on the road to recovery. -
18 March 2003 (Tuesday) - Bedtime, and there was a lot of heaving, thrashing, grunting and screaming about in bed. Sex-starved wife was trying to pin me down, and I was doing my darn best to break free. With such raw action, who needs WWF or WWE? I was finally locked in a submission hold. Did she had Kurt Angle as her personal trainer? 1-2-3 and it was all over. Wife sat up, smiled a satisfied smile, and lit up a cigarette. I huddled underneath the blanket, sobbing.
The phone rang. Personal assistant picked up the phone. (Yes, he was there in the room, with a seat right next to the ringside, watching my humiliation.) It was the Prime Minister of Spain on the line. I took the phone from his hand, which was stained with his own ejaculation. I told him to put his dick back into his pants and go wash his hands.
“Yes. BUSH” I said into the phone.
The phone rang again. It was the UK Prime Minister Tony Blair. “Yes! BUSH!” I exclaimed.
Finally the phone rang again and it was the US President Bush. “Yes! Yes! I want it! BUSH!” I was in the throes of orgasm, which was something which I did not had a few minutes ago.
“You still want my bush?” wife asked.
Ignoring the black forest that was in front of my face, I called my stock broker and placed an order to buy US$100 million worth of stocks in the US and European markets.
At that moment, the TV reported that Spain, UK and US have pulled out of passing a resolution at the United Nations. They are going to war with Iraq.
“Those phone calls, do they have something to do with that?” Wife asked. “Come on. Don’t beat about the bush. Tell me.”
“The three of them called to seek my advice and decision.” I said. “So I told them to BUSH: Beat Up Saddam Hussein.”
Wife looked at me with a look that was a mixture of awe, wonder, admiration, amazement and sadness. Her husband, crown prince to a little red dot, was more powerful that she had realized. Her husband is the worldÂ’s senior statesman, a counsel to the worldÂ’s Presidents and Prime Ministers, the Great Harbinger of Peace, the Liberator of the World. And also the lamest fcuk in the world. Well, I told her, I canÂ’t excel in everything, can I?
What a brutal night. I was ravished, made tens of millions of dollars, and started a war. Well, it was merely all in a dayÂ’s (or should it be night?) work for the second most powerful man in the world. I fell asleep dreaming a strange dream. I dreamt that I was being violated on a bed of dollar bills while a war was raging all around me. Screw the world. -
23 March 2003 (Sunday) – Watched the US-Iraqi showdown on CNN over lunch. Father is in a bad mood. He had lost money on the war so far. He betted on the wrong day for the commencement of war, he betted on the US seizing Baghdad in just 4 days and he betted that Iraq will unleash chemical weapons. Total loss was about US$100,000.
Minister for Foreign Affairs Yaya Koo Ma came in. He needs special approval from father and I for an immigration application. Is this a very special foreign talent who has three doctorates in life science, father asked? No. Is this another high-flying corporate CEO whom my dear wife has set her lustful eyes on, I asked? No. Is this a first-rate Mandarin teacher from Beijing who will bolster SingaporeÂ’s Chinese majority, mother asked? No. Yaya said this person is an expert in chemistry, nuclear physics, population control and oil exploration and extraction. What a multi-talented person, father said as he signed the approval papers.
The hot-line rang. It was old friend Saddam on the line. He wanted to know what should be his next move. I glanced at the computer screen which was showing stock and currency prices, and then at my portfolio. I still have not yet sold out my highly profitable positions. Keep the Yankees and Brits at bay for a few more days, I told him. Hold them at Umm Qasr and Basra. CNN has been complaining to me that TV viewership is starting to slip because there has been no fighting so far. ThatÂ’s not good for my CNN stock too. Will do, Saddam said, but can I please ask Bush not to use too much firepower? He does not have enough tomato juice to splatter around. IÂ’ll see what I can do, I replied. Saddam said something about needing a good holiday and some sun after this war is over and hung up.
There was breaking news on CNN. The CIA reported that a South-east Asian country has granted refuge to Saddam and that Saddam is preparing to flee Baghdad. Damn those Malaysians or Indonesians, I muttered. Now we will have war at our doorsteps.
The phone rang again. It was the US Ambassador to Singapore. He was raving mad and ranted about Singapore betraying the US, and threatening to cut off all diplomatic ties with Singapore. A horrible thought just entered my head. I ran to the other phone and called my Yaya Foreign Minister. What papers did father just signed, I asked? The immigration papers for a Mr. Al-Jameel Mohammed was the reply. However, he is more commonly known by his alias Saddam Hussein. I called my personal assistant and asked him to book Yaya Koo Ma on the next flight out to Baghdad. DonÂ’t worry if the Baghdad airport is closed to landing, I said. Just air-drop him. -
26 March 2003 (Wednesday) – Held an emergency meeting with Health Minister Lim HK. LHK wore a face mask and gloves, and never came within 6 feet of me. Time to do something about my bad breath and body odour, I decided.
The number of people infected with SARS continues to rise. Parents are pulling their children out from school, and workers are not going to work. Damn, this is no good for the economic recovery. And there will be less tax revenue.
How many have died, I asked? Ten. Damn! This will create panic. How many, excluding doctors, nurses and civil servants, I asked? Two. Okay, report this number to the media, I instructed. The other eight deaths were reclassified as AIDS-related deaths.
What is the number of people infected, I asked? A few thousand was the reply. What is the best figure you can released to the public, I asked? Less than a hundred was the reply.
Health Minister had the task of facing the media and the public. I made a note to reward him for handling the situation well. His career in the army has helped: he has been trained to understate KIA, WIA, MIA figures in the army, now he is doing the same thing in the health ministry. I decided that his next career move is to become the Minister of Misinformation. Err, I mean Information.
On the way home, I decided to drop by the clinic to visit my WIW. It has been a long, hard day and I felt very tired, I told her. My muscles are aching, and I have got a dry cough. She took my temperature, I had a slight fever. DonÂ’t worry, she said, it is just a flu. That was very reassuring. I trusted her. WIW started to turn pale. She excused herself, went to the wash basin and started scrubbing her hands and face. Then she put on a face mask and gloves before coming back. I apologized profusely and promised to eliminate my bad breath and body odour. Will you still love me, I asked? She mumbled something about not being able to love a dead person. But I was not sure I heard her correctly, because of the big throbbing headache that has been building upÂ…
P.S. Apologies to those who have been affected by SARS. It is not funny, but dot must diligently and faithfully maintain the diary. -
1 April 2003 (Tuesday) – The day has arrived. I have to seize the bull by the tail, strike while the iron is hot. The whole family was at the breakfast table: father, mother, wife, brother, sister-in-law, and my personal secretary. Damn, my personal secretary seems to be following me wherever I go. Doesn’t he have a home to stay? I’m not sure if this idea of increased security protection during this war period is a good idea. The worst part is that he insists on sleeping in my bedroom. And he uses up the tissues pretty fast.
I have never stood up to father, mother and wife before, but today is the day. Like a condemned man awaiting the electric chair, I stood up and said: “I have a new love. I am leaving dear wife.”
The whole room was stunned and there was silence for what seems an eternity. Then father burst out laughing. Mother followed. Dear wife rolled onto the floor and laughed until tears flowed.
“What a great April Fool’s joke!” father said. “This is even better than the anthrax scare which you did last year.”
“And much better than the bomb scare which you triggered off two year ago” mother added.
At that moment Woman In White arrived. She had timed her entrance so that I could reveal to the family who my true love was. “This is the one that I really love” I said solemnly as I presented WIW to the family.
It was too much for the family. Father was on the floor, clutching his sides. Mother pounded the table with her fists. Brother was giggling away.
“Sure, sure. We all love her too. Especially if she has come to check us for the SARS virus” dear wife said.
ThatÂ’s the trouble with my family. They have never taken me seriously before. Damn, and I am already a 40-plus grown-up kid.
“Don’t forget to take your vitamins” father shouted as I stomp out of the house to get to work.
“And dinner will be waiting for you” mother added.
“And I will be waiting for you tonight” dear wife whispered as she blew me a kiss.
In the car, WIW looked at me and said: “That was not a very good idea of yours to choose 1 April to announce this.”
“Well, 31 March is the fiscal year-end for the government and the civil service, and you know how I am a stickler for adhering to standards and procedures” I retorted.
What an awful start to the new fiscal year. -
3 April 2003 (Thursday) – A high-level public affairs committee was convened. The Maritime and Port Authority (MPA) report on the 3 January 2003 collision between anti-submarine patrol vessel RSS Courageous and container ship ANL Indonesia is to be released tomorrow.
MPAÂ’s report was, in fact, ready about a month ago. Its findings were that the RSS Courageous was at fault, and this can be traced to the training, or rather, lack of training, of the crew. The investigations also found that the training standards of Navy servicemen were appalling, and that the Minister of Defence, MINDEF and the Chief of Navy have to bear the brunt of the responsibility. Damn, this is too damaging to the careers of many scholars, many of whom I have strategically put in their positions to consolidate my empire. So that report was secretly destroyed and a new report published.
So now, one month later, MPA’s ‘official report’ found that the ANL Indonesia was the one at fault. It should have turned starboard (right) but instead turn port (left), and hit RSS Courageous. Deputy PM and Defence Minister Tony was visibly relieved. He finally removed his two hands from their position at the rear of his buttocks. For more than three months, his hands have been in that CYA (cover-your-arse) posture.
Almost everyone also starting to remove their hands from their buttocks. The Navy Commodore was seen straightening up his posture. For three months, he had assumed a bent-over position as he was being screwed left, right and centre by various parties.
The phone rang and it was for me. It was the Chairman of shipping company ANL. He was briefed on the findings and he was not happy about the result. He mentioned something about their Board meeting tomorrow and that the company was considering taking their business across the causeway to Tanjong Pelapas.
I was torn between defending our innocent Navy men and keeping jobs at the Port. Honour or Money? A Beatles song began to fill my head: “In my times of troubles, Father Harry came to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.” That caused me to recall the family’s decree: “Always let any decision to be decided by money”.
I re-convened the meeting. The MPA report said that Lt. Chua was under the supervision of Lt. Ng. The MINDEF records said that Lt. Ng was a driving instructor before he was called into National Service, and that co-incidentally Lt. Chua was one of his students. The records also noted that Ms. Chua failed her driving tests four times, and that Lt. Ng has incurred seven driving offences so far.
The decision was easy. As always, when it comes to issues of national security, the decision has always been to choose Money. Who gives a damn about Honour or Integrity anyway? I looked towards Tony and said: “Maybe you would like to assume the CYA posture again?” And to Navy Commodore I barked out an order: “Bend over!” The committee burnt the midnight oil re-writing the report.
The next day the MPA report was released. It found that Lt. Ng was wholly responsible for the collision, as he had failed to supervise Lt. Chua. ANL Indonesia was traveling in a straight line, and it was the Navy vessel which had steered left three times into ANL IndonesiaÂ’s course. Lt. Chua was practicing for her driving test, and Lt. Ng was giving her extra tuition. Given the way Singapore drivers drive on the roads, it was not surprising why the RSS Courageous steered in a zig-zag manner.
P.S. With apologies to those who have been affected by the collision. -
10 April 2003 (Thursday) – When I stepped into the office, my personal assistant Cary Ball (a foreign talent) asked me whether I had heard the rumours. Yes, I have heard that the US forces have captured Baghdad, and that the SARS situation is worse than reported.
No, no, he corrected me. The talk of the town is the appointment of Dr. Lampar Yeo-ah-yeo NH to the Temasek advisory panel. Apparently he was brought in by dear wife. That is new, I said, but not surprising. After all, dear wife knows Yeo well, and was under him when he was chairman of Singapore Technologies. So why all these rumours?
ThatÂ’s the problem, Carry Ball said. Hoho Chink was UNDER Yeo at PSA. She was also his laptop. And now they are coming together again at Temasek.
My world collapsed. My head went dizzy, my heart was pounding, and my knees went weak. Cary Ball ran to the radio and turned up the volume. The strains of George Michael’s “Careless Whisper” filled the room. Now this explains all those late-night ‘board meetings’, all those week-end ‘company retreats’, and all those ‘top-level hush-hush’ overseas trips.
The phone rang. It was Woman In White. She wanted to see me tonight so that she can give me a full ‘physical’ SARS examination. I called dear wife and told her that I will not be home for dinner; I have got an all-night high-level meeting on the SARS-situation. -
18 April 2003 (Friday) – The SARS situation is not improving. In fact, it appears to be taking a turn for the worse.
Unhealthy Minister Lim has taken a lot of flak for his handling of the SARS situation. The World Health Organization still has not found out that Lim has also been special advisor to China's Health Minister Zhang Wenkang and Beijing mayor Meng Xuenong on the SARS situation. Unhealthy Minister LimÂ’s advice to them has been to under-report the number of SARS cases so as not to cause panic in the whole country.
This is making my dynasty look bad. Well, the Unhealthy Minister has served his purpose. Got to make sure that there are new scapegoats in place. Convened an emergency meeting. Just to be safe, the meeting was held via video conferencing instead.
Decided that the doctors would be the best candidates to be scapegoats. To show my impartiality towards the whole bunch, I decided that all of them would be roped in. With the exception of Woman In White (WIW).
Seat warmer Ah Goh will announce the next day a ministerial team to audit hospitals on anti-SARS measures. Senior Minister of State for Transport Cow BW, Dr. Vivian, Dr Balaji and Dr Ng EH were the lucky ones picked.
Someone asked the question as to why I was not leading the frontline in the fight against SARS. I made a note to isolate, contain and defeat that smart alec. He will not be promoted to a million-dollar ministerial post. Ah Goh has been briefed to answer that question. “The Prince (that is how he calls me nowadays) is fighting his own SARS problems.”
That was not too far from the truth. There was a Super Infector (I suspect it was my personal assistant Cary Ball) who started spreading rumours about WIW and I. He was highly infectious and soon the little red dot of an island developed SARS (Secret Affair Rumours Spreading). Dear wife also appeared to have gotten a whiff of the rumours about and has also become a SARS case (Screaming, Angry, Ranting Spouse). -
28 April 2003 (Monday) – Was suddenly summoned home in the middle of work. There was an emergency apparently. Did my pet terrapins went missing?
When I reached home, the Chief Gangsters (a.ka. Men In White) were all there. Father had a thermometer under his tongue. Ah Goh was holding an ear thermometer. Unhealthy Minister Hairdo Lim HK was displaying the ugly side of Singaporean: kiasuism. He had three thermometers: one in his mouth, one under his arm-pit and one sticking out of his anus. The nurses had run out of thermometers. Hairdo Lim offered me one, it was the one from his anus. I declined.
Father was pounding the table and shouting at the MIW. They were literally Men In White, for their faces were as pale as ghostsÂ’. Mother is now under quarantine because she may have been in contact with a SARS victim. Father demanded a scapegoat.
One gets to find out oneÂ’s real friends in times like this. Instantaneously all our fingers pointed to one man: Hairdo Lim. But what to do with him, and how to manage the public relations? Well, Hairdo Lim has done a lot for the family. And he still needs his million-dollar Minister salary.
We decided there and then (who says the government cannot act fast?) to have a Cabinet reshuffle to be announced tomorrow. We decided that Hairdo Lim will take a break (hentak kaki/mark time) to shelter him from mounting public criticism. He will be in Ah GohÂ’s office and will oversee population-related issues such as the greying profile, marriage and procreation and talent recruitment. But his career path remains intact: in the future, he will return to doom Singapore as the Minister for Finance.
A few so-called up-and-coming MIW were quickly promoted to Actsy Mini-stars. It was an odd bunch: there was a cow (Khaw BW) and a hen (Dr. Ng EH) amongst them. Ah well, it has always been an animal farm anyway. All ministers are equal, but some are more equal than the others. -
6 May 2003 (Tuesday) – The family’s feud became public. That smart alec journalist Lee Han Shih publicised the spat between brother’s Singtel and wife’s Starhub that has caused delay in providing cable access to homes.
Wife was raging mad over breakfast. She wanted me to invoke the Internal Security Act and throw Lee Han Shih into indefinite detention. Not justifiable, I calmly replied. Anyway, the cells are already full of SARS victims whom we have secretly hidden there. How else could Singapore be SARS-free?
Reached office. Brother Yang called. He was raging mad. He wanted me to withdraw SPHÂ’s newspaper licence. Not a good political move, I calmly explained. After the PSA retrenchment, cannot cause another 800 plus employees to lose their jobs.
Went to parentsÂ’ home for lunch. Father was raging mad. He wanted me to check with the Inland Revenue on Lee Han ShihÂ’s undeclared taxable income and prosecute him. Have already done that, I informed father. Unfortunately, he is clean.
Damn, I am getting to be very good at maintaining my calm and composure in the face of so many angry family members. I gave myself a pat on my back.
Mother was the only calm one around. After lunch, she quietly pulled me to one side. Are you not mad over this, she asked? Why should I, I replied? After all, it is not my reputation that is being harmed, just my brotherÂ’s and my wifeÂ’s. IÂ’m glad you are so calm and sensible, mother said, as she patted me. I just could not help myself but gave myself another pat on my back.
Mother then pulled out an old newspaper. It was a breaking news report on a suspected love affair between a Deputy Prime Minister and a woman MP. There was also a photograph of them sharing ValentineÂ’s Day together. And the writer of the report was Lee Han Shih.
I went berserk. I banged the table, I kicked the dog, the maid and my personal assistant. I bawled and screamed. I threw and broke three vases. Calm down, calm down, mother said. I AM calm, I retorted.
I picked up the phone and called Tong Tjik Ming, director of SPH and a former ISD man.
21 May 2003 (Wednesday) – It was reported that Lee Han Shih has “resigned” from The Business Times. I breathe a sigh of relief. Now I am finally pacified and calm. -
15 May 2003 (Thursday) – when a disease threatens a country, it has to be eradicated. So I issued instructions to cull all stray cats.
9 June 2003 (Monday) – Almost a month later, the AVA reported that 700 stray cats have been culled. Internal Security Department reported that 70 cat lovers attended an80-minute memorial over the weekend in honour of the culled cats. Should ISD arrest them for being enemies of the state, or being part of an unlawful assembly?
No, leave them alone, I instructed. The cat culling is really unnecessary, I remarked, which caused puzzlement among those present.
Later in the day, personal assistant Cary Ball advised that public opinion is high against the culling of cats. Should the culling stop? Stop the culling of the feline animal, I instructed, but continue culling the cats. Cary Ball was bamboozled and did not know how to execute my instructions. But being the good civil servant that he was, he did not dare to ask me questions to clarify the situation. So he went and made phone calls and wrote memos to all the Permanent Secretaries, the Chief of Army, the ISD and the PAP to try and decipher what I really meant.
At the end of the day, Cary Ball appeared with a satisfied look on his face. He reported that the zoo has been instructed not to kill any lions, tigers, or other members of the cat family. The AVA has rounded up more stray cats, but were not sure whether or not to kill them. Can I please decide? Damn, canÂ’t they make such simple decisions? I was clearly annoyed. Stop the killing, I said.
Just then Agent Smith, another foreign talent, of the MATRIC (Military Agency To Repress Innocent Citizens) appeared to give his daily report. They have culled another 10 cats today. Well done, I beamed. My good mood was restored.
Cary Ball by now was totally befuddled. To kill or not to kill the cats, he wailed? It was time for Agent Smith to leave. As he turned away, his folder appeared in full view of Cary Ball. The folder was titled Culling of CATS (Citizens Against The Son). -
Rewind to 23 June 2002 - The phone rang. It was one of my army buddies. “Stag party for me tonight. Woo eng boh? (Are you free?)” he asked.
“Wah! Woo Eng!” I replied.
The last bachelor in our brat pack is finally getting married! I sure must make time to attend his stag party. He is a medically-certified sicko with a mental problem bordering on sexual pervertness. That makes him most suitable to be in military intelligence and the foreign service. And he has done so with distinction.
I blocked off the Army’s Temasek Club for a ‘private function’. The Chief of Staff had an official function there tonight; he was hosting his ASEAN counterparts. I told the club manager to cancel that. To hell with ASEAN solidarity.
The entire original brat pack were there; the whole bunch which went off on military scholarships and rose together through the ranks. There was me, Hairdo Lim, Georgie Yeo, Teo Cheehong, Woo Eng, Boh Eng, Jin Boh Eng and a few others.
After an hour of Happy Hour, all of us were drunk. And when Woo Eng is drunk, thatÂ’s when he gets sexy.
“I wanna release my mojo” he said. Hairdo Lim dared him to release it on someone other that his fiancée. The bet was $2. The mad man dashed out of the club. I had to leave early, but not before I heard he had gone to a clinic in Bishan…
6 June 2003 (Friday) – Supper with Woman In White (WIW), and I poured out my pent-up anger to WIW. The newspapers this morning reported the trial of Wah! Woo Eng on a charge of outraging the modesty of a female doctor.
“Can you believe that this female doctor had the audacity to file a police report against one of my brat pack? Hasn’t she heard of the Internal Security Department? The Inland Revenue Authority? Does she know that her medical licence can be easily revoked by just a phone call?”
WIW just listened quietly while she ate her main course.
“Of course we will fight her to the finish. Her medical career is ended. Soon she will be very woo eng (free). No one touches one of my buddies and get away with it.”
WIW just sat quietly eating her dessert.
“We will get Wah! Woo Eng to plead insanity. And we already have got the government doctor to certify that he is so. And we will get Shah to interrogate and embarrass the plaintiff so badly that she wished that she had not reported the case in the first place.”
WIW had finished her dessert and started on her coffee.
“And we will conceal the identity of Wah! Woo Eng, and we will put a gag order on the press. The public will not know his real name and his occupation. We have got everything under control.”
WIW started chewing on her after-dinner mints, but still said nothing. ThatÂ’s why I like being with WIW. She is so attentive and she will not interrupt. She is just the ideal companion. Why, I canÂ’t even finish a sentence at home without dear wife interrupting, correcting or challenging me.
I could sense that WIW was impressed with the way I had everything under control. “Well, what do you say?” I asked her.
WIW cleared her throat and said: “That female doctor is my niece.” -
25 June 2003 (Wednesday) – Invited to ride the new North-east MRT Line (NEL) from Punggol. Does not knew where Punggol is, it is so remote from my world.
Action Minister for Transport Cow BW was there to greet me. “It cost S$5 billion and it is driverless” he beamed with pride.
He was beaming, but I was choking. “All that money spent, and it does not even come with drivers!?”
My personal assistant whispered to me: “Err, they got no budget to hire drivers, after paying the Transport Minister’s salary.”
Cow decided to stay a safe distance from me, and chose not to go on the ride with me. He will meet me at the end of my journey.
The ride had barely got started when the train stopped. Just a minor glitch, they told me, the train will move in a minute. There must have been 90 minor glitches, for the train started moving again after 90 minutes. I kept myself occupied by thinking of what a dragon can do to a cow.
Finally the train got moving, and the ride was completed. Cow was there to greet me. “How do you rate it?”
I gave it to him straight: “I would give it an egg (zero out of ten). The breakdown is unacceptable.”
The media later reported CowÂ’s comments. "I would give it eight out of ten. For beginning, it's quite expected. But 1-1/2 hours is really very long. Just thank God that I'm not on the train."
It is funny how communication gets distorted. But there was some truth in what Cow said. He was indeed thankful that he was not in the same train as I am. He would have become a sacrificial cow. -
4 July 2003 (Friday) - The plumber turned up to clear a choked pipe. We started chatting. Damn, he was a former neurosurgeon who lost his job recently due to the bad economy.
"This zeng hu (government) hor is irresponsible." He complained. "2001 elections they said that if the citizens want jobs, the MIW must be voted in. Now 2003 the citizens are losing their jobs. Worse, the jobs go to foreign talent"
"By the way, what do you do huh?" he asked me.
I flinched. "Er, I am a tai chi master." I blurted out.
Well, that was not too far from the truth. Since the elections I have been using my advanced tai chi skills to fend away and push all blame to my MIW.
The neurosurgeon-turned-plumber operated with great skill.
"You see huh. If I shut this valve in a pipe, the water will have to flow somewhere else. The more pipes I shut, the greater the water pressure that is built up until the water finds an outlet. The whole pipe system can burst, so got to find new outlets for the water to flow."
The plumber did a fantastic job. There was not a single drop of water spilled. -
Please do not read on if you are offended by references to Ladan and Laleh, the Iranian twins.
5 July 2003 (Saturday) – Went to a “Meet the People” session in the morning. Two ladies turned up.
“I am LaDead and she is my twin sister LaLive” one woman announced. “I am the founder of IRAN (I Rule A Nation) and she is the founder of IRAN (I Raped A Nation), two conjoined and affiliated action groups that works for political freedom for citizens. We are tired of being bound by one-party rule. We want to be free.”
“Are you aware that freedom comes with a risk: you may die because the country may collapse economically, become communist or fall into anarchy?” I glowered at them.
“It is a 50/50 chance. We are willing to take that chance, and we will not hold the MIW responsible if anything goes wrong. It is our wish.” They were very sure in what they want.
“You cannot think for yourself! You do not know what you are doing! We know what is best for you! For your own good, we will not allow it! You two are glory hunters!”
Damn, the ungrateful peasants still need the MIWÂ’s patronizing paternal guardianship.
Visited the Iranian twins in the hospital in the afternoon.
They were very confused, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure.
One of them said: “We are not sure we want to do it. It has been 29 years, and although we want to be free, we do not want to be coerced into it.”
“Now, now, no one is coercing you” I pacified her, as one of the nurses tightened her arm-lock round one of the twins.
“But…but…it is only a 50/50 chance. We are not willing to take that chance. Can we hold the doctors, these men in white responsible?” the other mouth said. Another nurse was strangling the neck that belonged to the mouth.
“Of course not! You are both 29 years old and you can think for yourself. You know what you are doing and the risk you are taking. If you decide to go ahead, you have to sign an indemnity to absolve us from all liabilities. You both are mature adults, you cannot always expect the MIW to make decisions for you. It is your decision, and we will do our best to see that you get your wish”
“And besides” I whispered to them “The publicity will be good for little red dot. Remember, you are in Asia and our Confucian ethos: nation above self.”
“But…but…we are not sure whether this surgery is for our own good, or whether it is for the glory of the doctors, the hospital and the government.”
“Don’t be stupid, dears. Of course it is for our glory. What are two lives lost anyway?”
I thought I heard the twins trying to scream “Nooooooo…” but before they could do that the anesthesia took effect.
I was introduced to Buey Kee No Goh and Bang Car Chng, the two glory hunters. Their success stories should inspire all young Singaporeans. They have finally made good after failing in their earlier chosen career. I learnt that Kee Goh failed his plumbing apprenticeship. Car Chng failed in electrical circuit-board design.
(With apologies to those affected by the deaths of the Iranian twins) -
11 July 2003 (Friday) – Woke up early today. This is the day the family has been waiting for: the biggest shopping sale of the year.
After a quick breakfast, we jumped into the car and sped out, with an army three-tonner vehicle following behind. There were sales galore, and the peasants were choking Orchard Road. However, we drove past Isetan, past Tangs, past Metro, past Takashimaya, past Robinsons, past Carrefour. Finally we arrived at Creative TechnologyÂ’s Conscience Charity Sale.
The next day, the newspapers reported that one woman paid 10 cents for 20 items, including canvas bags, wallets and pouches - an amount which has given her the dubious honour of making the lowest donation at Creative Technology's charity sale.
She almost lost out to a youth who bought 20 similar items. And he paid 20 cents for them only because he could not get the 10 cents in change he asked for.
And there was one man who put down a few dollars for a carton containing several hundred T-shirts for babies, insisting they counted as a single item.
I cut out the newspaper article and file it in the family scrapbook, together with a photograph of us standing next to a three-tonner vehicle that was fully loaded with our shopping. That was indeed a special outing. It is not often that the family made the headlines together. -
24 July 2003 (Thursday) – My bullying uncle from Malaysia came over for a holiday and stayed with us yesterday. Family row erupted immediately.
Uncle accused me of being cocky and treating him rudely. Complained to father that I summoned uncle to the water closet without any formalities apart from asking for tea to be served. I then told him to take notes and proceeded to read from a four-page document. At the end of it, I stood up, said good-bye and immediately left the room.
UncleÂ’s extraordinary attack on me drew a swift and equally blunt response from my personal secretary, Cary Ball, which called his outburst 'unprofessional and unbecoming of a senior relative'. Cary Ball then proceeded to give this official version of the incident:
“Nephew was desperately in need of a water closet. He charged into the toilet and, without any formalities, asked uncle to hold onto nephew’s cup of tea. Nephew then told uncle to take toilet paper for him and proceeded to tear out four pieces. At the end of it, nephew stood up, said good-bye and immediately left the toilet. At no time was nephew cocky. In fact, as every doctor can tell you, when you are passing motion, your cock becomes limp, not erect.”
I suddenly felt hungry, and decided to have some supper.
“Ah Goh, come to my office. Now!”
“Help yourself to the tea. Okay, take this down: I want char kway teo from Newton, bak kut teh from Balestier, hor fun from Geylang…”
My order list was four pages long. At the end of it, I stood up, said good-bye and immediately left the room.
I felt quite cocky about the way I handled Ah Goh: I get straight to the point, am concise, am direct and am thorough. Got to show him who is boss. -
18 July 2003 (Friday) – Father is in a damn good mood. Called the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MFA) and the MIW Party to organize a honorary dinner for Hong Kong Chief Executive Tung Chee Hwa and Financial Secretary Anthony Leung.
The MIW spokesman Klose Wuneye (another foreign talent, from Germany) was baffled. Tung is about the most unpopular man in Hong Kong right now for his introduction of the anti-subversion bill which sparked off massive protests in the streets. Anthony Leung has just resigned this week after he was found to have bought his Lexus six weeks before he increased car taxes. Why are the MIW honoring them?
I explained to Klose Wuneye: they make the MIW looked good. Long ago the MIW introduced an act that is even more draconian than Hong KongÂ’s proposed bill, and that intrudes even more into the privacy rights of the peasants. And the MIW bought cars before the introduction of COE and there was no scandal. Tung and Anthony have just shown that, in the long-running competition between Singapore and Hong Kong, that they are not as clever as the MIW. And that is a damn good reason to celebrate. -
Do not read on if you are offended by stereotypes of races and nationalities.
9 August 2003 (Saturday) – National Day, and a day to sweet-talk the peasants again. The peasants have had a rough year and have been trying to stage revolts. Luckily the ISD were tipped off, had identified the ringleaders and took pre-emptive action by sacking the ringleaders and their militant followers. The added bonus was that it reduced the labour costs of PSA and SIA and helped the two companies return to profitability. But it was harder to deal with the peasants than with terrorists. At least with the terrorists you can just kill them. With the peasants, you got to pay them off. Damn.
Went to a National Day observation ceremony at SIA in the morning. I brought with me, Thiau Lye, the Chief Statistician from the Department of Statistics.
The CEO of SIA was very proud. SIA employs only Singaporeans, he declared.
I looked around. The Indians were gathered in small groups and chatting very loudly. Different groups seemed to be spoiling for a fight with each other.
“They were from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh, sir.” Thiau Lye explained to me. “But they are all permanent residents now. They bring lively debating and religious diversity to Singapore.”
Over in another corner, a group of Chinks were playing cards and mahjong. Another group were talking on their ostentatious gold-plated mobile phones with their bookies.
“These are the Hong Kongers, sir. They boosted the gaming industry in Singapore, so we gave them Permanent Resident status.” It was Thiau Lye again.
Another group of Chinese were carrying out a barter trade with fake goods. Their language was coarse and punctuated with expletives.
“The mainlanders, sir. They bring down the prices of consumer goods, and they add colour to the local lingo. So we decided that they deserve to be Permanent Residents too.”
The Malays were in another corner, strumming their guitars and smoking their joints.
“They are peace-loving folks from Malaysia who keep to themselves. They bring the kampong spirit with them and help to preserve the social harmony. The country needs more of them. Permanent Residents too.”
The white-skinned beer-bellies were in another corner. They were having a good time drinking beer, swearing, watching soccer on TV, and groping local girls wearing sarongs.
“The foreign talents from the west, sir. They are the most industrious of the Permanent Residents. They contributed to the entertainment industry and the sex industry.”
Finally there was a small group of mixed nationalities. They were looking miserable and holding pieces of paper.
“Those are the local peasants, sir. They have been served their notices to go for their reservist training. What an honour and privilege to defend the nation for all Singaporeans.”
It was time to make my speech. It was prepared by Thiau Lye.
“In such uncertain economic times, the MIW will take care of its peasants. 9 out of 10 jobs created during this period go to Singaporeans….”