A beautiful blonde goes into the bank and asks for a $5,000 loan for her trip to Europe. She offers her car outside as collateral. The clerk takes her keys and finds her Rolls Royce parked at the curb. The bank grants her loan and she leaves on her trip.
A month later she returns with the $5,000 plus interest. The same clerk hands her the key to her car and says, "I just have to ask. We checked out your credit and you're a multi-millionaire. Why would you need a mere 5 Grand on loan?" To which she replied, " Oh Sweetie, where else could I park my Rolls safely in New York City for a month and only pay $35?"
Not all blondes are dumb.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walked in and ordered a drink.
The redhead walked in and asked the bartender "Can I have an RW?"
The bartender asked "What the hell is an RW?" she replied "Red Wine, DUH."
Then the brunette walked in and ordered a WW.
The bartender asked what that was and she replied "DUH White Wine."
Then the blonde walked in and ordered a "15" .
The bartender said "I give up. what's that?" She replied, "Duh a 7 and 7!"
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!
He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to the pharmacy and
bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"
A blonde smiles sweetly as the gentleman joins her in the elevator. "TGIF" she bubbles.
He looks at her calmly and says, "SHIT".
Indignant, she replies, "T.G.I.F."
Pointedly he again replies, "S.H.I.T."
"Well," she says, "T-G-I-F. Thank God it's Friday."
"S-H-I-T. Sorry, Honey It's Thursday!"
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. How long will this take?" she asks.
They'll grow larger over a period of years.", he replies.
The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then.", said the rich man.
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, I appreciate you: the grass at my home is about three feet tall!
Widdle Wabbit
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above the river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, you will thirdly come up with my wife, and
I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me.
But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason.
Dear Abby:
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus.
My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.
Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, their heroin habits.
All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!
A husband proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 1,100 words a day, where as women use 2,200 words a day. She though about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said "What?"
After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Poe calls a brief recess and retires to his chambers. En route, he bumps into Judge Graham.
“Say,” Poe asks, “what would you give a 63-year-old hooker?”
“Christ,” Graham replies. “Five or six bucks, tops.”
A guy is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slaps a 10 spot on the table and says, “I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom.”
She knows the bathroom is around the corner, so she accepts the bet. He takes out his glass eye, places it beside his drink and goes to the bathroom. When he comes back, he pockets the money and makes another challenge.
“Betcha I can bite my own ear,” the guy says.
She accepts, and he takes out his false teeth and nips his ear. Once more, he scoops up the money.
“OK,” he says, “I’ll give you a chance to win back your money. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won’t feel a thing.”
She knows this bet is a sure thing, so she accepts. The guy climbs behind the bar, lifts her skirt and begins.
“I can feel you,” she giggles.
“Oh well,” he says, “You win some, you lose some.”
Two women, life long friends, are having there weekly lunch date and talking when the subject of sex comes up. They each confide to one another that there sex lives are far from what they would like them to be. One of the women explains however that she has finally talked her husband into going to see the best sex therapist in the city and promises to tell her friend what the outcome of the visit is the next week when they have lunch.
A week passes and the two women meet. The first one can't wait to hear how it went. "well, tell me, tell me, don't keep me waiting!! What happened? How did it go?!" she asks. The second woman, smiling from ear to ear tells her friend "It's been wonderful, that therapist is just the best! Our sex life hasn't been this good in 25 years! The therapist sat and talked with us for about an hour about our relationship and the things that are keeping us from being intimate then had us both undress. After he saw us naked he said for us to stop on the way home and buy a bag of grapes and a box of donuts. I throw the donuts at my husbands dick and when i get a ringer i have to eat it. He tosses the grapes at my pussy, and when he gets one in he has to eat it. I'm telling you, this is the best thing that has ever happened to us".
Naturally, after hearing of the great results, the first lady gets the number of the sex therapist and she and her husband go to see him. They all talk for about an hour and then the sex therapist has them undress and stand before him. He looks at both them long and hard, finally shakes his head, and tells the couple he is very sorry, but he can not help them in any way. The couple is devastated and pleads with the man over and over to reconsider, surely there must be something he can do to help save there failing sex life.
Finally, the sex therapist gives in and tells the couple "OK, i want you to stop at the store on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of grapefruit.........
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
>computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
>
> At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
>with
> technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
>$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
>
> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
>stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
>driving cars with the following characteristics:
>
> 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
>
> 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
>buy a new car.
>
> 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
>would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
>shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
>continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
>
> 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
>your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have
>to reinstall the engine.
>
> 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
>five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
>percent of the roads.
>
> 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
>be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
>warning light.
>
> 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
> 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
>and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
>turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
> 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
>how to
> drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
>same manner as the old car.
>
> 10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard box...
His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?" To which his son replies,
"Because there's no Baghdad!"
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Q. Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
A. It's for the Christmas period.
Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.
Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A. When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
Q. How can you tell she's a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q. Why did god give men penises?
A. So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
Q. Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
A. They hid their own eggs!
Q. What's the hottest thing in the world?
A. Two rats fucking in a wool sock.
Q. What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
A. Hit either one of them and you're grounded.
Q. What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
A. Playtex.
Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off.
Q. What's female Viagra?
A. Jewellery
Q. Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A. Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
Q. What's the difference between the San Diego Padres and a Prostitute?
A. Nothing, they both suck!
Q. Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
A. They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.
Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
