Spice Up Your Life With Smiling Face

• ^__*

  23 Sep 01, 19:13

  Three women were talking about their sons.
  
  One woman said that her son is a priest and every time he walks into a room people bow their head and say "Father".
  
  The second woman said that HER son was a cardinal and every time he walked into a room people bowed their head and said "your Grace".
  
  The third woman was silent. The other two women looked at her and said, "what about your son?"
  
  The woman replied, "He's about six foot four, has blonde hair, and blue eyes. Every time he walks into a room people look up and say "Oh my God!"
• ^__*

  23 Sep 01, 19:14

  After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asksfor a favor.
  The Pope says, "What can I do?"
  The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
  Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."
  
  So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
  "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
  And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
  
  So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
  The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
• ^__*

  24 Sep 01, 15:58

  One day a cat died and went to Heaven. There she met The Lord Himself. God said to the cat: "You lived a good life and if there is anything I can do to make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please, don't hesitate to let Me know." After a moment of thought, the cat replied: "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. Just once would I like to have a nice soft pillow to call my own." The Lord smiled, and a beautiful velvet pillow appeared out of nowhere.
  
  A few days later eight farm mice were killed in an accident and went to Heaven. They, too, were greeted by God Himself with the same question. The mice answered: "All of our lives we've been chased by cats, dogs, and even by women with brooms. We never want to have to run again. Do you think we could have inline skates? They look like a lot of fun." Suddenly all of them wore tiny inline skates with colorful little wheels.
  
  About a week or so later, God visited the cat to see how she was doing. Rolled up in a ball, she was laying on her pillow, sleeping. God gently woke her up and asked: "So, how do you like it up here?" The cat stretched and yawned: "It is wonderful here! I love what you've done with the place. And great service! Those Meals On Wheels you've been sending me were a nice touch!"
• ^__*

  24 Sep 01, 15:59

  Teacher: Why are you late?
  Webster: Because of the sign.
  Teacher: What sign?
  Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
• ^__*

  24 Sep 01, 15:59

  Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
  
  The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
  
  Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
  
  And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, however this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
  
  The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid...
  
  The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
• ^__*

  24 Sep 01, 16:02

  One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
  "We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
  "Oh, come along with me then."
  "But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
  "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
  "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
  "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
  Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
  The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two meters tall!"
• ^__*

  27 Sep 01, 09:55

  "Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
  "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
  "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
  "I don't have a sweetheart, either."
  "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
• ^__*

  27 Sep 01, 09:55

  One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer."
  A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.
  The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
  So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
  The manager said: "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
  The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."
  The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
• ^__*

  27 Sep 01, 09:57

  There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
  One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.
  He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
  They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
  The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howling in agony for 30 minutes.
  Eventually the Englishman stood up and said,
  "Now it's my turn to kick you."
  The Scotsman said, "Nah, keep the egg."
• ^__*

  2 Oct 01, 00:34

  A man who had his share of the bottle, decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
  
  The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
  
  The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.
  
  Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
  
  The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
  
  "No," the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
• ^__*

  2 Oct 01, 00:35

  Video games considered harmful?
  "It is ridiculous claiming that video games influence children. For instance, if Pac-man affected kids who were born in the eighties, we should by now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music."
  Gosh.... they do..... darn...
• ^__*

  2 Oct 01, 19:00

  An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
  
  All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
  
  The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
  
  Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!"
• ^__*

  2 Oct 01, 19:00

  Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
  
  "That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."
  
  Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
  
  "So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
  
  "Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
• ^__*

  25 Oct 01, 23:41

  [Husband & Wife - Same Service]
  A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
  
  [Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy]
  From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
  
  [Husband & Wife - Come Home Late]
  A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
  
  [Husband & Wife - Love To Do]
  A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
• ^__*

  26 Oct 01, 00:25

  [POLITICS]
  
  SON : Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
  DAD : Sure Son, What's the question?
  SON : What's POLITICS?
  DAD : Well Son, let's take our home as an example: I make all the final decisions on important matters- So let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother spends most of the money, so let her be the GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs- So let's call you the PEOPLE. We shall call our maid Clara, the WORKERS. And we call your Baby Brother, the FUTURE. Do you understand what POLITICS means now?
  SON : I'm really not sure. Dad I'll have to think about it.
  
  That night awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to disturb his mother, he then went to the maid's room. He peeked through the keyhole, and saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went unheard by his father and the maid. So he finally returned to his room and went back to sleep.
  
  The next morning at the breakfast table...
  SON : Dad, I now think I understand POLITICS.
  DAD : That's great Son! Please explain to me in your own words.
  SON : Well Dad! While MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKERS, The GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being ignored and the FUTURE is full of shit.
• ^__*

  6 Nov 01, 00:55

  Two monkeys walk into a bar and order a couple of beers. The barman had never served monkeys before so he was a little taken aback. He decides to consult with his manager, so runs up to the upper office to speak with Ian. "Ian! There are two monkeys downstairs ordering beers! What do I do?". Ian: "Serve them you idiot. Oh, but wait: monkeys are stupid, so charge them twice the price. They won't know the difference." The barman goes back down to the bar, serves up the beer, and charges the monkeys double. Later in the evening, the monkeys are still nursing the
  same beers while the barman's tidying up. Curious about these furry visitors, the barman comments: "Say, we don't get a lot of monkeys around here...". The monkeys look at each other and then back at the barman. Monkeys: "Well, with prices like these, no wonder!"
• ^__*

  6 Nov 01, 00:57

  [relationship]
  Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
  I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
  
  This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
  My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
  
  This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
  My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
  
  To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
  I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
  
  My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
  And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
  
  For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
  To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.
  
  Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
  And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
  
  My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
  Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.
  
  If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
  And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
  
  For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
  As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!
• ^__*

  24 Nov 01, 22:20

  As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her. "Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." Poof: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
  
  "And, I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." Poof: The Fairy Godmother tuned the old woman into exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
  
  "Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse woof.
  
  "Could you possibly turn my wonderful faithful dog into a handsome prince?" Poof: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. Morehandsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
  
  As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing her cheek with his as he whispered into her ear, "I'll bet you're sorry now that you took me to the vet when I was younger!"
• ^__*

  29 Dec 01, 12:26

  Doctor :
  A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
  
  Politician :
  One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
  
  Boss :
  Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
  
  Criminal :
  A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
  
  Father :
  A banker provided by nature.
  
  Opportunist :
  A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
  
  Philosopher :
  A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
  
  Atom Bomb :
  An invention to end all inventions.
  
  Experience :
  The name men give to their mistakes
  
  A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
  
  Yawn :
  The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
  
  Office :
  A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
  
  Classic :
  A book which people praise, but do not read.
  
• ^__*

  29 Dec 01, 12:44

  The Perfect Gift
  
  On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.
  
  The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?"
  
  "That s right!" said the boy.
  
  Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"
  
  "That's right!" said the boy.
  
  Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box.
  
  She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"
  
  "No," said the boy.
  
  She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"
  
  "No," said the boy.
  
  "I give up. What is it?"
  
  The boy grinned. "A puppy!"
• ^__*

  29 Dec 01, 12:51

  Answering Machine Message
  
  Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
• ^__*

  29 Dec 01, 12:54

  TODAY'S RIDDLE
  --------------
  
  Two men were playing tennis. They played five sets and each man won three sets. How did they do this??
  
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  Scroll down for the answer
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  Here it comes
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  ANSWER
  
  The two men were partners playing doubles.
• ^__*

  6 Jan 02, 02:42

  [1]
  Little Johnny stared at his test paper. The big read "F" stared back at him.
  
  John looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"
  
  "Because of an absence," Johnny answered.
  
  "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.
  
  Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."
  
  [2]
  While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
  
  She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
  
  Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
  
  "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh! your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
  
  Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
  
  Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
  And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair.